The POOL ROOM

[letsboogie351]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[dave295]

That reminds me of the young bloke who asked me-

How do you catch a unique duck?

Go on I said.

U NEEK up on it he chortled

[dave295]

Sooo, he continued

How do you catch a Tame duck

I dunno, I mumbled

TAME WAY he said gleefully, revelling in his wit.

When he finished laughing he asked me What's a wok?

Something you cook with I stupidly answered

NO!! he almost shouted, IT'S WHAT YOU THROWW AT A WABBIT WHEN THE WIFLE DOESN'T WORK.

[petrolhead]

Here is one I saw on facebook
What's the cheapest cut of meat?
Deer balls
Because it's under a buck LOL LOL LOL

[letsboogie351]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"

[boxhead]

A man walks into a Zoo.
The only animal in there is a dog.

Its a sh1tzu.

[deano59]

The New 2015 Ford



Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do
it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is
best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

[letsboogie351]

A lady walked into a Police Station in Adelaide and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like it’s maybe a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Rog246]

THE IRISH ANGLER



The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub,

was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"



"Fishing" replied the old man.



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."



In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"



"You're the eighth" says the old man.

[letsboogie351]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His mates are confused, because he is one bad fella and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's mates are starting to get agitated but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Please, go home, you're drunk.

[letsboogie351]

A horse walked up to a bookie and said " I'd like to back myself in the 3rd race. Here's a $100"
The bookie burst out laughing. The horse said "what's so funny, you never seen a talking horse before?"
The bookie replied "No that's not it. I just can't believe you think that you can bloody win it!"

[Rog246]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks
the same question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
That night when her husband gets home, she tells him what happened for
the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
"Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes
to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it."

She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question...
"Do you have a vagina"?
"Yes, actually I have.” She says.

The man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

[Rog246]

A Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance
matter."

[Rog246]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM

SHIRAZ HAS A SIMILAR EFFECT.

Â

[letsboogie351]

A woman took her young son to the doctor. He was always tired and caught a lot of colds.
The doctor asked about his diet.

All he eats is snooker balls said mum.

The doctor was amazed. Snooker balls? he asked.

That's right, she said, for breakfast, he'll have three reds
and a brown. For lunch he'll have four reds, a pink, a yellow, and a blue.
And for dinner he'll have the black and five or six reds.

Well there is your trouble, said the doctor. Not enough greens.

[letsboogie351]

Two Aussie tourists were on holiday in Asia when some monkeys stole their travellers cheques.
They ran up to their tour guide, yelling: Mr Wong, Mr Wong, some monkeys stole our travellers cheques.
The tour guide said: oh no, what kind were they?

The tourists said: brown one's with red bums!

[letsboogie351]

A woman went to see her doctor.
Doc, she said once in his office. You've got to help me. I've got a terrible flatulence problem. I break wind about twice every minute.
So I hear said the doc.
It's terribly embarrassing, I just can't stop she said.


I see said the doc. How is your diet?
Normal she said.

Ok how are you sleeping said the doc.
Ok she said , I do manage to get enough sleep.

Stress? he asked.
No more than normal she replied.

The doc sat at his desk writing some notes for a while then, excused himself and left the office.
He was back soon with a long skinny pole with a hook in the end of it.
The woman was terrified. What are you going to do with that she screamed.
The doc said I'm going to open a couple of the high windows, it stinks in here!

[letsboogie351]

A solicitor opened an office in Melbourne. It had a great view and was in a prestigious building.
He hired a secretary and some office furniture.

At 9.00 AM on his first morning, he sat at his desk and started sharpening his pencils.
At 11.15 AM his secretary knocked on his door, saying that there was a man to see him.

Fabulous, he thought, my firs client. I really must make a good impression.

So he told his secretary to send the bloke in. He picked up his phone and as the man walked in,
he said: No, I won’t accept a million for my client! I want three million and not a penny less! and slammed the receiver down.

He looked up at the man and said: now, what can I do for you sir?

The bloke said: I’m from Telstra. I’ve come to connect the phone.

[Rog246]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' Brenda...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle, Brenda." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed..

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "noo, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time, Brenda."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, starting to fill with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of this ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[dave295]

How did they invent copper wire?


Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.