Cobra Make, Engine: Kenmer with Ford Quad Cam Boss 260
Posts: 983
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A bloke from the bush got a job on a big city building site.
He saw an ad in the paper offering a room and all meals for $100 a week. So he turned up on the doorstep, rang the bell and a woman came to the door.
All meals? He asked.
Yes, she said.
So he moved in. The next morning he awoke to find his breakfast on the table and his lunch, a salad sandwich wrapped in foil to take to work. When he got home that night, the woman said: how was lunch?
Lovely he said, but not enough.
The next morning she’d made him three peanut butter sandwiches. Off to work he went. That night she asked him: how was lunch today?
Lovely he said, but not enough.
So the next morning she made him four vegemite sandwiches and eight cheese sandwiches.
Off he went, and that night the woman asked him again: how was lunch?
Very nice he said, but still not enough.
She thought, right I’ll fix this mongrel. She went down to the supermarket and bought a French stick that was eight feet long if it was an inch, and into it she put five pounds of butter, three heads of lettuce, fourteen cans of beetroot, two pounds of ham, twelve tins of sardines, four jars of pickles, nine cucumbers, twenty-one tomatoes, sixteen slices of cheese, half a mullet and a parsnip! She gave it to him the next morning wrapped in foil, and he went off to work. That night she again asked him how it was.
Lovely he said, but I see you’re back to one sandwich again!
Cobra Make, Engine: Kenmer with Ford Quad Cam Boss 260
Posts: 983
Not Ranked
Four kids were riding on a horse along the side of a quiet country road.
A city slicker came driving by in his Saab. Seeing the unusual sight of four kids on the one horse, he decided to have a bit of fun. He pulled up beside them and said: Hey kids, you got room for one more?
The young bloke sitting at the back end of the horse turned around, lifted the horse’s tail and said: sure you can get in the boot if you like!
Cobra Make, Engine: Kirkham #185, Shelby Alloy 482; sold
Posts: 1,190
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John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
Yes, I do,' said Shawn
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
Cobra Make, Engine: Harrison #100 under construction
Posts: 1,109
Not Ranked
Politically IN Correct
Politically IN Correct
# I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny Is that spooky or what?
# I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race - you just stand in the middle of the shopping centre & shout "Allah is a ****wit" & then off we go .!
# A government survey has shown that 75% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.
# I got sacked from my job as a Bingo Caller.
Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view." is not the way to call number 69.
# I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom it makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.
# Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning Lotto..!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror - we had six matching balls...!
# Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).
# Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker !
# Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. Geeze, I love my new taser!
# Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Lakemba.
# If you get an email telling you that you can catch 'swine flu' from tins of ham then delete it - it's spam.
# They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this 'beer gut'.
Cobra Make, Engine: Kenmer with Ford Quad Cam Boss 260
Posts: 983
Not Ranked
A fella walks into a bar next to a hospital and says to the barman: I’ll have a double scotch, mate, but I shouldn’t really be having it with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the drink.
The bloke said: and give me a double martini, but I shouldn’t be having it with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the martini.
And you better give me a boilermaker, with a beer chaser said the bloke. But I really shouldn’t be having any of this with what I’ve got.
The barman gave him the drinks and said: I don’t like to be nosey mate, but what HAVE you got?
The bloke replied :Forty cents!
A blind man with a seeing eye dog stood at a pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the street.
The light turned green and the dog didn't move. When the red light started flashing the dog started to lead the man across the road. The lights changed and the blind man was almost hit by a truck. When he got to the kerb he got out a biscuit for the dog.
A bloke had been watching and saw what had happened, went to the blind man and said : that dog almost got you killed, why are you giving him a biscuit?
The blind man said I'm trying to find out where his head is so I can kick him up the arse.
Last edited by letsboogie351; 11-23-2015 at 09:11 PM..
Cobra Make, Engine: Harrison #100 under construction
Posts: 1,109
Not Ranked
Murphy the Painter
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object ...... in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
" T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay for me to paint you in the nude but she thinks that I should leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes." ............................. God Bless the Irish!
Cobra Make, Engine: Harrison #100 under construction
Posts: 1,109
Not Ranked
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldnt interfere with Gods divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and circumcised him; they havent seen a squirrel since.
Uncle Bert who will turn 101 in March asked me if I could take him for a ride in the Cobra!!!
I was concerned how we would shoe horn him into the cockpit without hurting him..... he climbed in virtually unassisted just like he had done it a million times before.
We went for a drive when we came back I asked if he enjoyed it.
He replied, it was OK
But he would like to go out again, this time without his hat so he can feel the wind in his hair...
You recon he is enjoying himself????
(A 2 min video of our drive hope the link works, and apologies for sound quality stil working on mic placement)
Cobra Make, Engine: Kenmer with Ford Quad Cam Boss 260
Posts: 983
Not Ranked
Irish Toast
An Irish Miracle
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
Cobra Make, Engine: Harrison #100 under construction
Posts: 1,109
Not Ranked
How to get to Heaven from Glasgow
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
Cobra Make, Engine: Classic revival kit (CR3181), gen III engine, T56 6 speed box, AU XR8 lsd diff
Posts: 5,699
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Hey Bernie, not sure if you still visit?
Ronda and I just signed up on a place in Mount Gambier.
Getting ready for relocating in about 7-10 years, had some spare money so figured it was time to invest in property.
I was stunned how cheap houses are in your area.
__________________
Cruising in 5th
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Never be afraid to do something new, Remember, Amateurs built the Ark: Professionals built the Titanic.
Cobra Make, Engine: Classic revival kit (CR3181), gen III engine, T56 6 speed box, AU XR8 lsd diff
Posts: 5,699
Not Ranked
That one is not where we will live.
We plan to buy a house in a little sleepy place called Donovans Landing.
And I have permission to buy a factory/workshop in Mount Gambier to store/build/restore cars.
__________________
Cruising in 5th
---------------------------------------------
Never be afraid to do something new, Remember, Amateurs built the Ark: Professionals built the Titanic.
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