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  #1181 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2015, 02:38 PM
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And your Nuts too, by the sound of it Dougie !! LOL
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  #1182 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2015, 05:52 PM
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #1183 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2015, 08:57 PM
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #1184 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2015, 09:49 PM
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


Two businessmen in Mackay were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "what
are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well...
Only two left".
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  #1185 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2015, 09:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by letsboogie351 View Post
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


Two businessmen in Mackay were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "what
are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well...
Only two left".
Plenty of arse-holes in Mackay, and that lady was probably my mother in law.
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  #1186 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2015, 05:19 AM
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Default Footy

Them Maroons know how to play footy eh
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  #1187 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2015, 02:18 PM
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Rog, I wouldn't go as far as calling it footy!
But the now Melbourne boys did a good job for you. For a moment I thought I had tuned into a Storm game
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  #1188 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2015, 02:17 PM
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Default Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!
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  #1189 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2015, 09:23 AM
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I see the pool room has slipped into a bit of humor.

Good, it was too serious in here.

Tru
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  #1190 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2015, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trularin View Post
I see the pool room has slipped into a bit of humor.

Good, it was too serious in here.

Tru
Hi Tru,

You have a PM.

Baz

Last edited by Baz; 06-23-2015 at 10:21 PM..
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  #1191 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2015, 11:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trularin View Post
I see the pool room has slipped into a bit of humor.

Good, it was too serious in here.

Tru
Maybe TRU, but there is some serenity in here !!
Just listen.................Arrrh "the serenity"
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  #1192 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2015, 03:15 AM
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Talking Greece & the EU debt

It doesn’t take long….


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.


I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.


Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.


My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
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  #1193 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2015, 03:33 PM
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Talking new twist on nursery rhyme

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Haiti could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to see Dr. Bumbutu in Haiti to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, “Every day after your shower, rub your breasts and chant, ‘Scooby, doobie, doobies, all I want is bigger boobies!”

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup breasts

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, “Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked: ‘Are you by chance a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?’

“Yes I am”, she said. “How did you know?"

He winked at her and whispered, “Hickory, Dickory, Dock…
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  #1194 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2015, 12:38 AM
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Talking Only in Ireland

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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  #1195 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2015, 07:57 PM
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A woman says to a bloke "Give me a joke about a double entendre".

So he gave her one ....
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  #1196 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2015, 04:13 PM
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Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that **** for? You can't cook to save your life!"
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"


A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"



THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.
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  #1197 (permalink)  
Old 07-30-2015, 02:03 AM
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FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

1. A wise person once said: ‘We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.’

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legit…..
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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  #1198 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2015, 04:52 AM
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Default Corporate Politics at work

All of the six Senior members of the Board of Directors of the Company, were called into the Chairman’s office, one by one until only Bob, the Junior member was left sitting in his office.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the Chairman and the six other Directors seated around a table and was invited to join them,which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in eye and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?"

"Oh no Sir, positively not!" Bob replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest! I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You’d swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere!"

"Good, then you fire her!"
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  #1199 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2015, 04:15 PM
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
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Old 08-03-2015, 11:49 PM
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As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in the Queen’s new gleaming million pound Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 19th century State landau pulled by six white horses.



They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering people along the way.

When suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard across the Realm.



The smell is so atrocious they both use handkerchiefs to cover their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the Queen and the President do their best to ignore the incident.


The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says,


"Mr. President, please accept my deepest apologies, I’m sure you understand there are some things even a Queen can’t control."



Obama, politely responded in his Presidential way and said:


"Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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