The POOL ROOM

[Legless]

John Cleese on terror alert levels.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

[Baz]

This guy has been taking the same girl out for years. At the end of each date, he puts the hard word on her, but always receives a negative response with the same reply along the lines of:- "Not tonight. I've got indigestion."

After about 12 months of this, he is starting to become quite frustrated. He informs her that if she doesn't come across after their date next Saturday night, their relationship is over.

The girl friend goes home, quite upset. She loves him, but doesn't want him to discover that she's not a virgin so she seeks advice from her mother. Mum tells the daughter that a similar situation occurred during her courting life. To trick the then boyfriend into thinking she was a virgin, she popped a lettuce leaf into the old davey crocket. The boyfriend subsequently thought that he had de-flowered a virgin and they lived happily ever after.

The daughter thought this was great idea, so the following Saturday night, armed with her lettuce leafed prize, she consented to the consummation. When they had finished, the boyfriend looked down at the old fella and was really surprised to see the lettuce leaf hanging off the end. He then said to his girl friend, "No wonder you've had indigestion for all these years. You don't chew your food properly!"

[Modena]

[Rog246]

Its a documented fact that 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren't Grumpy----then again 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren't Happy either !

[OZCOBRA]

Came across this....bit of a laugh but the words are put to the best song in the AFL!!!!...apologies to the other codes!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPvPNGsVDOs&sns=em

[Krait]

Really? Cruise is a tad short to play Shelby. Link

[letsboogie351]

Originally Posted by Krait

Really? Cruise is a tad short to play Shelby. Link

Tom Cruise is 5 feet 7 inches tall (1.70 m). Might do better dressing up this girl....Maria Sharapova is 6 feet 2 inches tall (1.88 m). she might be closer to his height and better looking too