Any shrinks out there I need some couch time

jams · #1 (**permalink**) 06-23-2010, 04:25 PM

How do you become a functional member of a dysfunctional family?

Check this out...
My mother is turning 75 very soon so my sister wanted to get family and extended family together for a party. The only problem is my parents live in FL and most of us live in NJ. My father (83)has Alzheimer's for some time now so we all agreed to visit them down in FL since my dad gets disoriented very easily and needs to maintain a routine.

So without consulting the rest of the family my sister asks my mother if they want to come up to NJ for a family celebration. Of course my Mother says yes she doesn't know the word no.

My sister never even consulted the family to see if we had other plans. Since the party is down the shore there is a minimum 2-3 night stays at all of the motels for about 180 per night.

Next I get the e-mail that we are splitting the airfare as a gift without even asking again. So I am constantly in the situation where if I go along with the enabling/rude behavior it just encourages it and if I buck the system, I look like an A-hole.

Believe it or not it would be easier and cheaper for me to fly down to visit them in FL then visit them 180 mile away.

and it goes on and on.....

And I will ask again ---

How do you become a functional member of a dysfunctional family?

392cobra · #2 (**permalink**) 06-23-2010, 04:31 PM

Resign your Membership and become a non dues paying guest ?

Ron61 · #3 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 07:39 AM

Maybe have a talk with your sister and get her to agree that any future family events are just that and the whole family should be consulted before any one of them makes decisions that affect all of them.

Ron

IndyCobra · #4 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 08:02 AM

The only way is to stop being an enabler. Take control of your situation. Tell your sister why her actions are inappropriate and do it privately.

jams · #5 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 09:59 AM

That is good advice. I have already shared my feelings with little to no effect.

The reason she did not want to ask opinions up front or have better communication is because then people like myself would have spoken up and the event would have never happened. By planning in behind my back the event is planned without opposition and I am relegated to being an invited guest.

I am still an enabler because I am going to the birthday party for the day. I can't bring myself to punish my mother for my sister's insanity.

IndyCobra · #6 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 10:08 AM

I don't call that being an enabler, you are exercising good judgement on behalf of your mother. You have a lot of sense to not involve your mother in this dispute.

Maybe you can just drive down for the party and drive back. While you are down there you can inform your sister that you will not be paying for the airfare since she decided all this on her own. Even if you have the money, your sister needs to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Sounds like you have more common sense than most. Good luck with the family.

FWB · #7 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 10:23 AM

being a controversial family member myself, i would fly down to florida and pretend to know nothing of the event, celebrate her birthday with her there, and just play dumb and not show up in jersey for the sisters, while in florida i would tell mom when she brought it up that you had no idea and your sorry but you can't be there. being you flew to florida on her behalf her feelings would not be tarnished

DAVID GAGNARD · #8 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 11:34 AM

Quote:

That is good advice. I have already shared my feelings with little to no effect.

Then you need to put a Louisville Slugger to use........

I've been in similar situations, the other party thinks they are always right and doing the right thing, till one day, I just said NO to everything and let it go at that......wanted to use the Louisville Slugger though..........

David

jams · #9 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndyCobra

I don't call that being an enabler, you are exercising good judgement on behalf of your mother. You have a lot of sense to not involve your mother in this dispute.

Maybe you can just drive down for the party and drive back. While you are down there you can inform your sister that you will not be paying for the airfare since she decided all this on her own. Even if you have the money, your sister needs to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Sounds like you have more common sense than most. Good luck with the family.

Good point about the airfare! Why in my right mind would I pay...It wasn't even asked!

jams · #10 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 11:41 AM

David,

I just might have to resort to a Louisville Slugger.

My new favorite word might just have to be NO. Who is going to argue with a guy with a bat anyway. LOL

Joe Wicked · #11 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 11:59 AM

This is why I live in Texas and my family is all in Nebraska (Save for the group who moved to Georgia for the same reasons I left). I do not believe there is a true fully functional family out there. We all have the same issues it seems. My family is so dysfunctional, that everyone knows everyone else is an idiot. I can openly say no, I did not agree and cannot afford it. Everyone also knows that I live by the philosophy that "I can do bad all by myself, I don't need your help". Meaning that if I am going to be miserable, it is not going to be because of you causing me trouble. If dealing with you is miserable, and ignoring you is miserable, I will ignore you. That way it is on my own and I have no reason to continue resenting you after a time. There are long stretches that I don't speak to some family members, but in the end we can be social at any family gathering and actually have a good time because I don't allow any animosity build up. Of course I have one of those families that everyone gets along great for about 3 days. After that, small skirmishes start erupting and people expect sides to be taken. After about a week, people are ready to kill each other and pretty much start separating until next year. I don't allow anyone to ruin my vacation or good time.

Jim Werth · #12 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 12:56 PM

We all have strange families. My mother sued one of my sisters twice so far. She won both times. There still is over $200,000 missing. Lawyers and the IRS is involved. Jim

FWB · #13 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 02:14 PM

nobody can screw ya like family.......

Paul F · #14 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 04:35 PM

Tell your sister you bought a very nice (car, HDTV.. fill in blank) for your mom and that she owes you $$$

Buy expensive flowers, room service, gifts for your mom and put it on your sister's credit card.

Fordzilla · #15 (**permalink**) 06-24-2010, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FWB

nobody can screw ya like family.......

And Friends!

Jamo · #16 (**permalink**) 06-25-2010, 03:12 AM

jams...welcome to the jungle

trularin · #17 (**permalink**) 06-25-2010, 05:55 AM

Jams, you know we are all here for you. And, as you are aware, suggestions are like a$$holes, everybody has one. You will get several suggestions.

Bill Bess · #18 (**permalink**) 06-25-2010, 07:25 AM

Tuff love. just do what you feel is right and what you can live with. Remember though, you only got one MOM, treat her good while she's still with you.

tcrist · #19 (**permalink**) 06-25-2010, 10:43 AM

Do what you need to do to keep your parents happy until they are no longer here. After that you can tear your sister a new a$$hole, cut her out of your life, or both.

Worked for me. I have not seen or talked to my parent’s oldest daughter (I refuse to call her my sister. She is a manipulative B!TCH.) in over 5 years and I do not feel bad about it at all.

Jamo · #20 (**permalink**) 06-25-2010, 01:38 PM

jams...maybe I missed it, but you refer to "the family" and "we" as the ones who decided to go to Florida and that weren't later consulted by your sister.

Who be dat? Other siblings? If so...what are they saying?