Joke of the Day...

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Irish Catholic Daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish daughter had not been to the ouse for 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?

The girl crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..."

'WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a dis-grace to the family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, the deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this golden Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership in the Country Club...(takes a breath) - an invitation for you to spend New Year's Eve boardmy new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad...sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be jeebies - You scared me half to death, girl. I thought you said a PROTESTANT!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[CobraDan]

Where to Live After Retirement


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
Will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at
the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[BJ's Snake]

One from OZ

A teacher asks her class to use the word
"contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got
the measles and my
mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails,
says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round,
and it's
contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad
Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with
a 2 inch brush,
And my dad says it will take that contagious."

[CobraDan]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.



The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:



"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."



The white man faints and falls to the floor.



The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:



"What's wrong with you?



In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"



The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....



I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."



The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

[Cobrabill]

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant Operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and Looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference For the Democrat?' The cook replied,

"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of ****, it takes all Morning."

[Ron61]

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from

National government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Ron

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved

on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging

a hole, the other girl filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort

you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- Why do you dig a hole,

only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks

odd, because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who

plants the trees called in sick.

[Ron61]

GO N GIT YO MAMA

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while
the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma... "

[VRM]

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[CobraDan]

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS...
It's true - try it.


In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to
learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following
conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing
trend!!!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?.. pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I... don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'..
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please.. and that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on
sigh and copy.. rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

[BLACKJACK]

Dan - - -

I've Stayed At That Damn Hotel.

Blackjack

[CobraDan]

BlackJack
I live in Florida I know I have stayed at that Hotel many times.

[hey,littlecobra]

cobradan. that was good!

[Ron61]

I have never been to that hotel, but I am in trouble as I understood all but one sentence of the whole thing.

Ron

[Ron61]

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after
years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's
eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him,'Son, I love
you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied,'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.'

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said,'Son, you are my
pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's
yours.'

His son replied,'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you bring
much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you..'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my
life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what youwish, I will get it for
you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a
Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit.'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS News .

[cobra de capell]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy....... Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

[wtm442]

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

[speed220mph]

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after
years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's
eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him,'Son, I love
you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied,'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.'

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said,'Son, you are my
pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's
yours.'

His son replied,'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the
Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you bring
much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you..'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my
life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what youwish, I will get it for
you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a
Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit.'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS News .

[Ron61]

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story....told from the point of view of a young Marine

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?

Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Mousse. Took me HOURS to make... yup

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again sent flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know ... I'm an A--hole, but it was still a funny night.

[CobraDan]

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her
physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband's flailing
libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take anaspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his
morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra
into his morning coff ee and it took effect almost immediately. He
jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to
say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as
I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again!"