Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that 3-year-old Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made
me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[cobra de capell]

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece o paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[CobraDan]

Ferrari




A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right..but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers:

*
*
*
*
*
*


"Unhook...my..suspenders...from....
your...side-view.......mirror"!

[MilwDoug]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual
things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days,
however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored,
and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun,
take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the
nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

[ohekk]

no dogs...but lots of cats!

[cobra de capell]

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.

Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

[Edley Rondinone]

A man and his wife go to the zoo. It is Wednesday, and there are very few people. The couple go to the gorilla exhibit, and they see this one large male, calmly eating a banana. The man says to his wife, "Give this gorilla a thrill, and show him your boobs." The woman looks around, sees no other people, then lifts up her top and flashes her boobs at the gorilla, who becomes a bit excited at her perfectly-shaped boobs.
The man then says to his wife, "Hey, really give that gorilla a thrill, and show him your "love nest!" The woman looks around again, sees no other people, raises her skirt, drops her panties, and runs her fingers all around her "love nest."
The gorilla sees this, and becomes VERY animated, beating his chest and pointing at the woman, whooping and hollering as excited gorillas do when they get aroused.
At this point, the man picks up his wife, throws her over the fence into the gorilla exhibit, and says to her, " Now tell HIM you got a freaking headache!"

[NeedAntiVenom]

Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Massachussetts."


A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!


"The next one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.


"The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a fellow who was high on pot and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a large nose. Now John Kerry is running for president of the United States."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Jim;

Heard one similar,but being from Louisiana,the third surgeon was an ole cajun named Boudreaux.....

His story went something like this after the other two.....

"My old friend Thibodeaux is in the Navy and on one of his leaves,I grafted two boobs on his back, and,if his rear end holds out,we both going to be millionares."

David

[bomelia]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you." replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by
the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and
cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long
story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the
house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every
position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky bastard. Was she
pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Subject: Politics are everywhere
A Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW emerged from a cloud of dust coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bulgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.............Now give me back my dog."

David



__________________________________________________ __

[1bad66]

A horse walks into a bar....the bar tender looks at him and says "hey buddy, whats with the long face?".................. bahahahahahahaha that gets me every time.

[BigGuy]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam, were out walking
together one day. They came across a lantern, and a Genie popped out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish -- that's three wishes total," said the
Genie.

The Canadian responded with, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so
high that no infidels, Jews, or Americans, can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," there was a huge wall around
Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asked, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."

The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually
impenetrable."

Uncle Sam then made his wish: "Fill it with water."

[BigGuy]

Subject: THE PERFECT HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free

speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello"



WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"



MAN: "Yes"



WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"



MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the

new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."



MAN: "How much?"



WOMAN: "$90,000"


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last

year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"



MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50

thousand if it's really a pretty good price."



WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"



MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."



The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring

at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....



He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[double ugly]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British
scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the
UK newspapers read:

"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded
that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless
technology."

[wtm442]

As you can imagine, when purchasing homes, New Orleans residents are many times challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through several generations of families, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!!

You gotta love this lawyer.......! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property apparently dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

"The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

"God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved!!!

[Ron61]

THE YEAR'S BEST . . .(actual) HEADLINES OF 2006: Most of the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work
After Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Now, it's your turn to spread the stupidity !!!!!!

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke, but funny:







A married Irishman went into theconfessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poorbox."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching , quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[cobra de capell]

A woman was having a passionate affairwith an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to thelover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspiciousand after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"he asked him.

"I'm an inspector fromBugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint aboutan infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
_____

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dogdied, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' besaying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraidnot; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, andthere's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for thecreature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right awayFather. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
_____

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then hefell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,

"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because insteadof "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
_____

There once was a religious young womanwho went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, forI have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and thendrink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it willwipe that smile off of your face."

[cobra de capell]

Translations: Southern United States to English

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him
in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TARRED - adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"