Joke of the Day...

[jpk]

I saw a cartoon that showed two young boys
excitedly digging through their happy meals
for the 'Toy Story' action figures.

The first boy blurts out, "I gotta buzz"!
With equal excitement, the second boy
replies, "I gotta woody"!

The caption reads, "They'll probably have
this same conversation in 20 years".

joe kennedy

[Dave Samson]

Finally, the first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and much to everyone's shock, jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral! the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[CobraDan]

A man in Charleston, West Virginia, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in West Virginia. Upon entering a church in Elkview, West Virginia, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the
pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this
golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"
I just love this part........
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in WEST VIRGINIA now...it's a local call."

[CobraDan]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to
always by polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first
he holds it in for a little while
because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself
from the table.
So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose." And saying that, he leaps out of
the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you
powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better
close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

[ERA535]

Subject: The Difference Between Men & Women

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for
exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
”Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or
isn’t sure of.”

And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months.”

And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”

And Roger is thinking: “So, that means it was...let’s see...September when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s,
which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed
it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s
why
he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of
being rejected.”

And Roger is thinking: “And I’m going to have them look at the transmission
again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold
weather? It’s 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way
I
feel. I’m just not sure.”

And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day
warranty...scum balls.”

And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”

And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a
warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...”

”Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

”What?” says Roger, startled.

”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... “

She breaks down, sobbing.

”What?” says Roger.

”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I
really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

”There’s no horse?” says Roger.

”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

”It’s just that...it’s that I...I need some time,” Elaine says.There is a
15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work. “Yes,” he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that
way?” she says.

”What way?” says Roger.

”That way about time,” says Elaine.

”Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves
a horse. At last she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says.

”Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the
TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for several hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said,
exploring every word and expression for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject,
off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, “Norm,
did
Elaine ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women.

[wicked fast]

In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, there was a beautiful young woman waiting for the bus, and wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight and did not allow her leg to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to step onto the bus but couldn't. So a little more embarrassed she once again reached around and unzipped her skirt a little more. To her surprise, she still could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she reached behind and unzipped the skirt a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned around to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and with a drawl said, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!!"

[CobraDan]

(o)(o) ..................Perfect Boobs

( + )( + ) ..............Fake, Silicone Boobs

(*)(*) ..................High Nipple Boobs

(@)(@) ................Big Nipple Boobs

oo ......................A Cups

{ O }{ O } .............D Cups

(oYo) ...................Wonder bra Boobs

( ^)( ^) ................Cold Boobs

(o)(O) ..................Lop-Sided Boobs

(Q)(O)..................Pierced Boobs

(p)(p) ..................Hanging tassels Boobs

(: )(o) .................Bitten-by-a-Vampire Boobs

\o/\o/ .................Grandma's Boobs

( - )( - ) ..............Flat-Against-the-Shower-Door Boobs

|o||o| ..................Android Boobs

(/)(o) ..................Scratched Boobs

(%)(o) ................. Extra Nipple Boobs

($)($) ..................Jenny McCarthy's Boobs

(^o)(o) ..................Zit on Your Boob

( o Y o ) .............. Poses-for-Magazines Boobs


)....... Laughing out Loud Boobs

[CobraDan]

A young man named Brent leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
Poor Brent broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment.
She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Brent finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural!
I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
Look at my skin. No blemishes anywhere!
How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Brent stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.

[Aloys]

A man comes out of the shop, seeing the side of his car smashed. There`s a piece of paper under the wiper, saying:
there are about a dozen people watching me, expecting me to write down my name, phone, adress, insurance and so, but I`m not.....

[Dan Heck]

Clean, dumb and timely:

I had heard about K-Mart filing for bankruptcy today, but was surprised to learn that all of the K-Marts in Afghanistan went bankrupt weeks ago....

What? -and why's that, you ask?

Well, as I understand it there's a Target on about every block over there...


[the usual apologies apply]

[ERA535]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills.
“I don’t think you should take one” the son replied “they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10.00 a pill”, answered the son.
“I don’t care”, said Grandpa. “I’d like to try one and I’ll leave the money on the kitchen table.”
The next morning the son found $110.00 on the table. He said to Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not “$110.00.”
“I know,” said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma.”

[CobraDan]

YOU'RE SITTING AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.
YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF THE BOX OF WHEATIES ....
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY ...
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON ...

[RACER X #99]

Cobra Dan,
My wife enjoys all of your jokes.
She won't be seeing this one.
Cranky

[wicked fast]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her!!

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

[MDR]

O.K. here are a few from my four year old daughter.

How do you make friends with a Squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Why did the bee get married?
He found his honey.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who.
Is there an Owl in here?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying daddy?

Mike

[CobraDan]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks. "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

[Trans-Am Jim]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: FW: To Women Everywhere, from a Man who has Had Enough




> TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH
>
> · Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
> you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.
>
> · If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> · If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> answer.
>
> · Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
> short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
> married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
>
> · Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
> find the perfect present yet again!
>
> · If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
> don't want to hear.
>
> · Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what
> we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
> navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
>
> · Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
> Let it be.
>
> · Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
> way.
>
> · When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> · You have enough clothes.
>
> · Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
> work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say
> it!
>
> · We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
> calendar.
>
> · Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
>
> · Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
> good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
> dress?
>
> · Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> · Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
> we do.
>
> · Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> · A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> · Check your oil.
>
> · It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
>
> · Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
> comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> · If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> · Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
>
> · Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> · ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
>
> · If it itches, it will be scratched.
>
> · Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> · If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
> wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
>
>

[Les Brown]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish.

"Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.

"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[CobraDan]

01. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP.

02. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER.

03. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY.

04. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT.

05. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER.

06. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG.

07. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

08. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY.

09. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE.

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER.

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK.

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT.

13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS.

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE.

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER.

16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER!

17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL.

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION.

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL.

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER.

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!