Joke of the Day...

[ERA535]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills.
“I don’t think you should take one” the son replied “they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10.00 a pill”, answered the son.
“I don’t care”, said Grandpa. “I’d like to try one and I’ll leave the money on the kitchen table.”
The next morning the son found $110.00 on the table. He said to Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not “$110.00.”
“I know,” said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma.”

[CobraDan]

YOU'RE SITTING AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.
YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF THE BOX OF WHEATIES ....
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY ...
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON ...

[RACER X #99]

Cobra Dan,
My wife enjoys all of your jokes.
She won't be seeing this one.
Cranky

[wicked fast]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her!!

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

[MDR]

O.K. here are a few from my four year old daughter.

How do you make friends with a Squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Why did the bee get married?
He found his honey.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who.
Is there an Owl in here?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying daddy?

Mike

[CobraDan]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks. "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

[Trans-Am Jim]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: FW: To Women Everywhere, from a Man who has Had Enough




> TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH
>
> · Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
> you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.
>
> · If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> · If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> answer.
>
> · Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
> short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
> married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
>
> · Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
> find the perfect present yet again!
>
> · If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
> don't want to hear.
>
> · Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what
> we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
> navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
>
> · Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
> Let it be.
>
> · Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
> way.
>
> · When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> · You have enough clothes.
>
> · Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
> work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say
> it!
>
> · We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
> calendar.
>
> · Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
>
> · Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
> good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
> dress?
>
> · Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> · Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
> we do.
>
> · Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> · A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> · Check your oil.
>
> · It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
>
> · Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
> comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> · If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> · Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
>
> · Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> · ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
>
> · If it itches, it will be scratched.
>
> · Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> · If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
> wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
>
>

[Les Brown]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish.

"Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.

"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[CobraDan]

01. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP.

02. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER.

03. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY.

04. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT.

05. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER.

06. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG.

07. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

08. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY.

09. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE.

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER.

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK.

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT.

13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS.

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE.

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER.

16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER!

17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL.

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION.

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL.

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER.

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

[poorboy]

A lonely old spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married, She decided to put an add in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person"



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the dood to see a gray haried gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. hhe asked sardonically,"Your not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"


The old man smiled,"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"


She snorted,"You don't have any hands either!"


Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"


She raised an Eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed!'



With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I ??"

[CobraDan]

===========
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give
to Their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible
and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
brown parrot that Can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a
monastery 12 years To teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
year for twenty Years but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and The parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live
in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home
all the time, so I never used the Mercedes.....and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to know what your mother likes.
"The chicken was delicious."

[mr0077]

There was a woman who was in a terrible car accident. She was in intensive care for a while, then moved to a private room, still in a coma, with no voluntary movement or reaction to any stimuli. One day, while a nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she noticed the woman's brain waves showed activity, and she reacted physically when the nurse washed her genital areas. The nurse told the doctor, who called in the woman's husband. After telling the husband about the responses, the doctor suggested that the husband might get his wife to respond and improve her chances of recovery if he would engage in oral sex with his wife. The husband said, "Are you sure we should do that?" After reassurance by the doctor, the husband said, "Well, okay...", and went into his wife's room and closed the door behind him. The doctor and the nurses were watching her monitors outside the room, for any sign of brain activity. Suddenly, she flatlined! As they went running into her room, her husband, zipping up his pants, said "I think she choked..."

[CobraDan]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[CobraDan]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[CobraDan]

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent
said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't
care
-- they would have married him anyway

[ERA535]

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q. What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy (Jamo)bends over?
A: Donuts.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don’t do dick.

[ERA535]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist, “the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but .........
I’m glad I came.”

[ERA535]

Subject: Men: The Test


Provided as a public service without comment. Note: This is test for men only and all “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

[Jamo]

Gasworks
Where were these jokes during our 12 hour drives?

"Don't you love me anymore?"