Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Barbecuing.... It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, but
what most people don't understand is that when a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The guests congratulate the man for his excellent cooking and he takes a bow.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and, upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[CobraDan]

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you."
Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River

[bonyhadi]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about
you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not contest to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.









A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was
that there was no Heaven. After a long life the husband was the
first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I
have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till
late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in Heaven."

"Hell no. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."














A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this visit
he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh.
Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the
doctor.

"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor,
"Why don't you try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction."

The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her
right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks
this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside
and perform oral sex.

More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his
wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later,
the husband comes running from his wife's
bedside screaming for the doctor.

"What's going on?" asks the doctor.

The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to
be looking good a few minutes ago."

The husband replies, "She choked."












Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other
person dies.










As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job
involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of
some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork.

As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something
smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a
wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New markers."














George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for
the night because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog.
So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess
I must have been half asleep or something, because I said, '
All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"










We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us
pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
















Some see the cup as half full, others see it as half empty.
I just see it as one more thing I have to wash.













A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said.

"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"

"I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied," and she asked
me how much I was willing to spend on her education."











A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk."

I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"

She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."












When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does
he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at
carpeting?




















"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"

"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my
paranoia'?"








A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale. Call
me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home.



What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?



A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and
three children. But there are only three life jackets.

The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.

Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Screw the
children!!" and the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"








Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a
day?

[bonyhadi]

DON'T MESS WITH A KARATE EXPERT

When a would-be robber picked an address for a home in Johannesburg, South
Africa, for his next "project," boy did he get a wrong number. The Star
newspaper there reports that when the intruder tried to strangle Marietjie
Fourie, the 45-year-old woman not only fought back but gave the man a
fractured skull for his troubles.
It seems that Fourie is a karate expert. After her first attempts to drive
him away were unsuccessful, she picked up a martial arts device, made up of
two batons connect- ed by a piece of chain. She not only broke his skull
but several other bones when she retaliated. The woman reports that it was
the third time she's had to repel an intruder in recent years. By the way,
the newspaper points out that South Africa has one of the world's high- est
rates of crimes against women.










A guy who can no longer get an erection finally goes to the doctor for
help. The doctor tells him that the muscles at the base of his penis have
broken down and there's nothing he can do unless the man is willing to try
an experimental type of surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The
doctor tells him that they take the muscles from the base of a baby
elephant's trunk and insert them in the base of his penis.

The guy agrees that it sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having
sex again is even scarier, so he decides to go ahead with the operation.

The doctor performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later gives the guy the
go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

That night the guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he
starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. After a few minutes,
the pressure is almost unbearable. He figures that no one can see him in
the dark restaurant, so he quietly unzips his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls
across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her
face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"















DICTIONARY OF LOVE
-----------------------------------------------
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a
particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy, people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of
money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a
person whom you don't especially like in the present and
will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics
as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using
a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY - a term used to
describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to
the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your
acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman
who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities
that initially attract people to each other turn into
after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person
appears to be is directly proportionate to how
unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to
have sex more often than he does.

[bonyhadi]

10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
-----------------------------------------------
Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait?)

Thou shall not do drugz. (Alcohol lasts longer!)

Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal*Mart has a bigger selection!)

Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)

Thou shall not steal from thy parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money!)

Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them!)

Thou shall not skip class.
(Just skip the whole day!)

Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more!)

Thou shall not think of having sex.
(As nike says just do it!)

Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.
(Just take them to the middle and leave them!)

















Top Ten Things You'll
Never Hear From A Consultant
-----------------------------------------------
10. You're right; we're billing way too
much for this.

9. Bet you I can go a week without saying
"synergy" or* "value-added".

8. How about paying us based on the success
of the project?

7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard
business case I read.

6* Actually, the only difference is that we
charge more than they do.

5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently
about that.

4. Implementation? I only care about writing
long reports.

3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in
your marketing department.

2. The problem is, you have too much
work for too few people.

1. Everything looks okay to me.

[CobraDan]

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore," said one in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said the fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.

"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note, I forget what I am trying to do in the first place," chimed yet another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.

"Thank the Lord we can all still drive."

[bonyhadi]

A blonde is looking through the classifieds for a job
when she sees an opening at the M&M factory:
"No experience needed! Start work the first day.!" So
the next day she goes over bright and early and lands
a job as the candy inspector, throwing out all the
defective M&M’s.

The next week the boss calls her into his office and says,
"I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go."

"Why?" she asks. "What did I do wrong?"

He frowns and says, "I’ve been watching you for a week
trying to figure out what you were doing, and I finally
figured it out this morning. Apparently, you’ve throwing
out all the M&M’s with W’s on them.""







My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The
bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls and his wife
preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position.
She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it
obscured the view. Now I don't think there is anything wrong
with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my uncle: "You should
be able to sit and reflect"
__________________
















Instead of an expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
"You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."



Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

[CobraDan]

The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.
Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls, figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time.
When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."

[CobraDan]

A trucker stops for red light on a winter afternoon and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The
girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The
trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. She says "Hi my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and
continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again
all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load!" He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi,
my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT truck."

[bonyhadi]

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these important rules when asking a
man to do something:
*
Make sure the man is conscious.
*
Then give him a Blow Job
*
Crash the hard drive on his computer and line
the bird cage with the sports section.
*
Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two,
three, or four hours, max.
*
Then ... give him a Blow Job
*
Reward him for cooperative behavior.
A blow job will usually do just fine.
Or, offer to cook him something that
doesn't have a peel-back cover.
*
Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.
Microwave his remote on high power for
55 minutes.
Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another
35 minutes.
Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
*
Use "would you" or "will you" instead of
"you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
*
When all else fails ... Blow Job.























EXPOSURE
> >
> > A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
> > right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
> > are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
> > She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
> > She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
> >










> >
> > OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
> >
> > A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want
> > you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
> > procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
> > least five pounds."
> > When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
> > amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
> > The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
> > drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
> > "No, from all that skipping."
> > ______________________
> >
> > RIVER WALK
> >
> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> > another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I
> > get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
> > the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
> > _____________________
> >
> > KNITTING
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> > freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
> > behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
> > flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
> > on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >















> >
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
> > Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> > The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> > The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
> > The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> > heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
> > Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> > We're going at night!"
> > _______________
> >
> > THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
> > decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
> > grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I
> > have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
> > big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
> > She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
> > go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
> > $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had
> > instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money.
> > I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[Clois Harlan]

Top 10---Best Golf Caddie Remarks

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[bonyhadi]

Losing Your Load

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks
on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops
for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the
door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops
for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of
breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The
trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"


























A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about
10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his
tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.
Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of
fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride,
which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says,
"You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his
car can do and lets it rip.
Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the
window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him.
He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he
slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.
The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible
dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's
wearing?"
The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar,
that's his asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."




























Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
but he knew the penalty for this would death. One day he revealed his secret
desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief
doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have
Horatio the Physician arrange it and he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins
for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen. The next day, Horatio
the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the
Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the
Royal chambers to address the incident, Horatio the Physician informed the
King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur
quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the Physician then slipped
Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly
put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on
the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him
away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King
Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
























While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his
luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his
surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if
he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon
as they get back to her place, they dive onto the bed and spend the night
hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his
jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if
she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke
begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, wrong again," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and
replies, "That's me before the operation."

[CobraDan]

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order,
"Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights." Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook,
"I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls,
"What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

[bonyhadi]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give
up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, one big and
one small, and told them the big circle is your brain before
drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small
circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"








Shortly before he was married, someone asked Abraham Lincoln
about his fiancee's family name.

"The Todds are very important people," Lincoln replied. "They
require two d's at the end of their name. The Almighty is
content with one."



"I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's.
I don't even know the difference between transvestites and
transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the ones
that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the ones
that grow up."
---Pamela Yager

"Sex after children slows down. Every three months now we have
sex. Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my quarterly taxes.
Unless it's oral sex--then I renew my driver's license."
---Ray Romano

[bonyhadi]

Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!





Safety Tips For Men Who Visit XXX Websites

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is on.

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are *not* intended
for participation in live sex shows.

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place
to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly
be an enlightening experience).

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy
"tickling the keys" with your manhood.

5. Semen IS electrically conductive!


















Maude and Claude

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived
in a senior citizen's residence.
They met in the social center and
discovered over time that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several
weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and she
accepted. They had a lovely evening.

Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to
join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued
along a natural course and, age
being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined
Claude for amost enjoyable roll in
the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow
of the magic moments they shared,
each was lost for a time in their
own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known
she was a virgin, I'd have been more
gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known
he could still get it up, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose."

[bonyhadi]

During a wild party at Molly's Moon, Valerie had too much to drink and
strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down
to watch the stars. Valerie was almost asleep when a cow, searching
for
clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... one at
a time."





































"Fly" Over Aerial Photos Of Your Home/Office

Check out the web address below. It's a new site (loads
kinda slow). Punch in your area code or home address, and it
shows you a really cool aerial view of your neighborhood. All
kinds of buttons to play with, too.

http://terrafly.fiu.edu/




It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this
year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob ****hauer."

Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF
BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"

The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob ****hauer. You can go across
the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across
the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for
a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you
have ****hauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a
damn cookie break!"













In school the lesson was about the word "contagious".

The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in
a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I
couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in
a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he
had a cold and my mother said it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father
took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway."

The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do.
And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing,
saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."
































Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each
one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order
two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then
order another two whiskeys apiece.

Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, "Cheers!"

Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come here to bull****,
or did you come here to drink?"





























OK, there's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's
a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee
time, gets up very early and plays golf all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to
his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel.* From there he finds it's going
to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back
into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The
*weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out golfing?"










































The little girl had just listened to her mother's
reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin
with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they
start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late
at the office tonight . .

[CobraDan]

One day a little boy came home from school to find his parents arguing fiercly.
Not realizing the child was present, they were throwing profanities at each other.
The MOM said "Get out you BASTARD!" The DAD said "Shut up you B!TCH!" The son looked at his parents and said "What do B!TCH and BASTARD mean?"
Surprised to see their son, The DAD said, "B!TCH and BASTARD is just another name for LADIES and GENTLEMEN".
Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went happily to his room.

A few weeks later, he awoke in the middle of the night to hear a racket coming from his parents bedroom.
He went to investigate. The MOM said "Oh suck my TITS!", The DAD said "Oh lick my BALLS!" The little boy said, "What does TITS and BALLS mean?"
Surprised to see their son standing in the doorway, The MOM said "TITS and BALLS is just another name for HATS and COATS." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went back to bed.
The next day, the little boy was in the kitchen while his mother was cutting up a turkey for dinner. She accidentaly cut her thumb with the knife, and forgetting that the boy was there, she screamed "FU*K!" The little boy asked, "MOM, what does fu*k mean?" Not wanting to be a bad mother she said "It's just another word for CUTTING TURKEY."
Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went to find his father. His father was in the bathroom shaving and suddenly cut his face with the razor.
Not realizing that his son was watching him. he said "SH!T!" The little boy said "DAD, what does SH!T mean?" DAD, realizing the boy was there, said "It's just another word for SHAVING CREAM."
The boy satisfied with his answer left to go watch T.V.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The family's dinner guest had arrived.
Knowing his parents were busy, the little boy answered the door. He also wanted to show the company what a smart little boy he was. When he opened the door he exclaimed, "Come in B!TCHES and BASTARDS, hang up your TITS and BALLS, DAD'S in the bathroom shaving the SH!T off his face and MOM'S in the kitchen FU*KING the turkey.

[bonyhadi]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a
stranger
in bed with his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."




















What I've Learned From Watching Porn

Rated R

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with
embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****s.

11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the
background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect
penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend won't bash seven shades of **** out of you if you shove your cock in
his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving
her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be
momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to
"suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties
concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on
the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[BrianBhoy]

> An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
> wives.
>
>
> The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to
place
> her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
> underwear.
>
>
> "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
>
>
> "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy
any."
>
>
> The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says," For the
sake
> of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."
>
>
> Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt
> blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
>
>
> "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
>
>
> She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
>
>
> He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's
20
> pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
>
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over
> her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
>
>
> "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
>
>
> She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be
able
> to afford any."
>
>
> The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency
here's
> a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"
>

[bonyhadi]

Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love

*When you go fishin' and you catch somethin, that's good. If you're making love
and you catch somethin,that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know how
many other fish you caught.

* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away. In lovin' you lie about the one you
caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be
friends after you let it go.

* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman
you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'