Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set,
place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they
wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the
set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have
great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on t he set and
his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The
purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."











One Saturday evening the door bell rang.
Bubba answered the door, where he was
greeted by a young man with bad case of
acne.

The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name
is Joe. I'm here to pickup Flo. We're going
to see a show. Can she go?"

Bubba shook his head,* told his daughter
to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the
door.* Upon opening the door Bubba was
greeted by another pimple faced boy who
smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie.
I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out
for spaghetti.* Is she ready?"

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his
daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the
bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to
be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
"Hi, My name is Chuck."* With that, Bubba
shot him.







A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before
long the dog discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks,
"OK, I'm in deep
kimshee now!" Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching
cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride,
as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard.
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?"But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet
................... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me a
leopard"








*There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the
*table.
*The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet
*into Grandpa's drink.

*After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the
*bathroom.* When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
*"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

*"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom."
*"So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"














Subject: Self Preservation!


Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a
comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day,
the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked
several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . the
Army is still looking for him

[Lumberman]

The Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[bonyhadi]

How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.












Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"












Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,
Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"











On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the **** will that help?"












Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by & they all had a great time. After
they returned home & the men went back to work, they sat around at
break & discussed their vacation.
The first guy says " I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night
& I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says " I know what you mean...my old lady
played blackjack the whole time we were there & she slaps the
bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard & I haven't
had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says " You guys think you have it bad! ...my old
lady played the slots the whole time we were there & I wake up each
morning with a sore dick & an ass full of quarters.












On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call.
"My name is Johnny ****hauer," said one boy.
"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell
me your real name."
"That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over
in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a
****hauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class.
"Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"









A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what

at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let

me guess- small cox".




A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into
the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.

[CobraDan]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.
Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains
She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
Finally, size really doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."
Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
Side effects? Who cares about... oh... oh... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

[petek]

It's summer!
...and you know what that means. That's amore...

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That smore.

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

[bonyhadi]

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT OKLAHOMA..........!

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Oklahoma.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Oklahoma, plus a
couple no one's seen before.

Possums will eat anything.

Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from October 2 until June 25, then it stops
totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people
drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first
couple of weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you,it's time to go to
the doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation,
watterin' the cows, or swimming.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then
there's supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More Oklahomanisms:
You know you're from Oklahoma if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the
store.(Note: in the portion above"fix-in-to" is one word......)
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked
8. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local papers covers national and international news on one page
but requires six pages for local gossip and sports.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
16. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.
18. You know whether another Oklahoman is from east,west, north or south
Oklahoma as soon as they open their mouth.
19. There is a Braums in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
20. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World."
21. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.
22. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.

& unlimited access













A blonde, tired of being made fun of and determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

[JimsGems]

Baptist Puppy Story;

A young Baptist couple felt it was important to own a proper Baptist pet. So they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist puppy’s, they found one that they liked and rapidly fell in love with him. When they got the puppy home, they discovered at puppy would fetch the Bible on command and he did on in a flash. When they asked him to open the Bible to the 23rd Psalm, he did it with his paws and with great dexterity. They were very so impressed.

That night, they had friends over to visit. They were so proud of their new Baptist puppy and his skills, they called the puppy over to them to show him off a little. Their friends were impressed also and asked whether the puppy was able to do any regular dog tricks. This stopped the young couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about normal dog tricks. “Well”, they said, “lets try it out.” Once more they called the puppy over to them and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel.”

Quick as a wink, the puppy jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head…

It was then that the couple realized they had been deceived. The puppy was a Pentecostal.


…and all God’s children said; Amen?

[bonyhadi]

angover Classifications
>==================
>
>1 star hangover (*)
>No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
>nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
>are
>able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
>drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and
>a side of gravy fries.
>
>2 star hangover (
>No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
>mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating
>your
>rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
>breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
>
>3 star hangover (*
>Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
>Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
>random
>gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
>1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
>dozen
>donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups
>of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet
>you
>haven't peed once.
>
>4 star hangover (**
>Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
>you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
>given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
>can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
>it
>looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes
>look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
>from
>the class picture of Revere High, '76.
>
>5 star hangover (***
>AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head
>which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
>vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
>toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
>Your
>body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
>you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who
>you
>were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger
>still sleeping in your bed at your house.
>
>6 star hangover (****
>Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom
>floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool
>refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5
>hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow
>manages to get up before you the next morning....You try to lift your head.
>Not an
>option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of
>13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were
>smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and
>you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the
>mirror
>only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your
>forehead...... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
>magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to
>work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think
>of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

[CobraDan]

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

Author Unknown

[CobraDan]

Wild Jamaican



This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them "I have some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."



Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the
blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming:

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MAN!!!




Subject: THE LAWN


One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across
the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at
me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[CobraDan]

A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of here," replies the man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man. The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick. "What the hell are you doing!" he asks. "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!

[bonyhadi]

What is the California smog test?
Can UCLA

------------------------------------

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

------------------------------------

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down,
Secret obvious, and Sure confused.




On his recent tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days out of his
itinerary for an impromptu visit to the wild outdoors of the far North of
New Zealand.

Way up on desolate Ninety Mile beach, near the mouth of the Te Paki Stream,
safe in his 4X4 Pope-mobile, his entourage came upon an enormous commotion
in the water. They rushed to see what it was about and upon approaching the
scene the Pope noticed a hapless man in the surf wearing a Wallabies rugby
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a sixteen
foot shark.

Almost immediately a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black
jerseys roared into view from beyond the surf line. One of the men took aim
and fired a harpoon into the sharks' head, immobilizing it instantly. The
other two reached down and pulled the Aussie from the water and using long
clubs, finished the shark off.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with
the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope. He summoned them
to the beach.

When they reached the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard
that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia & New Zealand,
but, now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that
your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a
model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove
off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist turned the other Kiwis and asked: 'Who the
bloody hell was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows bugger all about shark fishing!
Now - how's that bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?"















A French cook believed people would enjoy rabbit. He decided
to raise rabbits. But he could not find a good place. Finally,
a priest said he could have a small area behind the cathedral.
There he raised his rabbits, and when he went about Paris
selling them, he was asked where he got such fresh rabbits.
The cook replied, "I raise them myself. In fact, I have a
hutch back of Notre Dame."













Our school cafeteria was having a discipline problem. Some of the
older
children while waiting in line to be served were taking snacks from the
plates of the younger children who were already eating. This was
solved
by sending anyone taking food from a younger child to the back of the
room where they would have to wait until after everyone else was
served
before they could be served. A warning was posted. What did it say?

He who has a taste shall be last











You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
.Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

[bonyhadi]

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and pretty. One
day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks
door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw
his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked,
"By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see
a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a
little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."













A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-
old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for
cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of
the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be
long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.

When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her
mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there,
Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll
be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat
immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when
her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this
checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and
have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the
woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient
you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name
is Francine--I'm Missy."











Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

******

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

*****

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No, I think we had State Farm."

*****

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
















A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at
the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it
isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do
you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions
and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions,
honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to
play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her
friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later
that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you
are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I
also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock
now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues
on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce." "Oh
really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."












A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated
by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees
who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his
hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly
exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his
hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."











My 7 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was
recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told
him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason.
I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come
back on, it was no big deal to me.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son
answered the door.
At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The
pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir,
she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.












Man to wife: "Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles
you are getting!"

Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"

Man: "Nothing is that freakin' funny!!"














She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect
specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her
arms.
He was in his first day in private practice,
eager to
show he knew all about everything.

"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in
his
best medical manner.

"It's the baby", she said, "He seems
under-nourished."

Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive
examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he
breast-fed?"

"Yes doctor, he is", she replied.

"Will you strip off to the waist now, please?"
the
doctor said.

The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat
anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor ...
"

The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside
by
saying, "it is better to look at everything ...
so if
you wouldn't mind?"

Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her
blouse
and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm
breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed
each
one in his hands, stroked them forward and back,
and
then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few

moments, finally lightly squeezing them between
his
fingers and thumb.

Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing
smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one
little
bit of milk!"

"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied,
"I'm
just the babysitter - but it sure has been a REAL
pleasure meeting you!"









Top 30 things You will NEVER Hear A Maritime Boy
Say.....

30. No Sireee, no more for me. I'm driving.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape can't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I'll have
a Heineken.
26. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just
not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and salad instead of
steak & potatoes.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Grey Cup?
17. I'm voting Liberal this year.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Way to go Jean! Sign that Kyoto agreement
now!
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all backed up on the C: drive.
10. I'm gonna buy a Ford Aerostar instead of that
Dodge Diesel 4x4.
9. My fiancee, Rose, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Perrier for the Stanley
Cup.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of
Hazaard" that we haven't seen!
4. I don't really have a favourite CFL team.
3. Peace.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Margaret.

1. Well, let's hire the gay guy!

[CobraDan]

Today I'm posting something a lttle differant, but it should keep those joke readers coming back. Women and Cobra pictures some nudity involved.
http://www.elams.org/cobraforum/thumbs/Page1.html

[bonyhadi]

Astrological After-sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












A husband and wife were at a party chatting
with some friends when the subject of
marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and
I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college
and I majored in theater arts. He communicates
real well and I just act like I'm listening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

















30 Things You Shouldn't Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first
room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What the hell are
you doing?" he asks. "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of
here," replies the man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his
way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the
hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in
one I'm out of here!" replies the man. The repairman shakes his head and
comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick. "What
the hell are you doing!" he asks. "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of
here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~














Jeni: My ex thought he was really well endowed.

Debi: And was he?

Jeni: PUUULLEEEASE!
He believed those maps that read,
"An inch equals one mile."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but
the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started
feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep
doing that, I'll write you a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weird Sex Laws

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex
inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes
before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an
Illinois state law.>>>When hell freezes over!

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or
hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver
inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their
rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the
beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the
beds.>>>Party poopers!

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the
city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man
while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name
will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any
punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin
under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)>>>Duh!

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute
on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying
in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to
his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.>>>works for
me!

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of
any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table
unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean,
white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may
have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn
during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner,
New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a
sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
















You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You are obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

[bonyhadi]

*Shouldn't a retired military man drive a 'vette?
*Emigrating -- Canada's military strategy to conquer America.
*A book of Military Defeats by Major Disaster and General Mayhem.
*The military mouthwash ~~~> Enlistermint.
---------


*A few distinguished members of last season's Glee Club were
"re-choired" to sing again.
*Sign in a medical waiting room: Patience, Patients.
*Tour the Eternal City: Roam Rome
*Mr. Ed with a cold: Hoarse horse
*Has-been star actor: Idle idol
---------


*A clown is a poet in action.
*A clown without a job is nobody's fool
*I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car. - Steven Wright
*Lions never eat clowns because they taste funny
*My Career As A Clown - By Abe Ozo
*The circus must be in town. Look at all these CLOWNS
*They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers.
But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
*You want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or Clown?
---------










.
Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say
something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport
buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the
counter had these huge tits, and instead of
asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of
saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you ****ING *****'










Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see
her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the
forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf
will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through
the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn
back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf
finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going
through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere
and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red
Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she
pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just
like the story says!"














How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend
John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner,
she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me
to rub her feet . . ."













Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the
gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked
into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes
stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?!?"










A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the
bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir thard
drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere s a better one. In Roma,
dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda
drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called
Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your
tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"



















There was a young man driving his car, when
suddenly he saw a little frog sitting beside
him. The frog began saying to the man "Kiss
me, kiss me"! But the man didn't want to kiss
a frog..

The little creature kept saying to the man
"Kiss me, kiss me" So at last, he accepted
and kissed the frog. And guess what the frog
turned into??

A very beautiful lady.

Now, the man began saying to the lady "Kiss me,
kiss me"... but the lady didn't want to kiss
the man. At last she accepted and kissed the
man...And guess what the man turned into??

The next motel!!!!











Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less
than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half
going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony.
You BECOME 21....Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you
REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT
Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's
an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

[CobraDan]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, " you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"It was my first day with the hook."

[bonyhadi]

Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right
***** partner.


2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes...* in case you doze off in
***** the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting ...* turn them ALL OFF!


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


*5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
***** scream out at the end.


6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
***** bed.



7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
***** actually complete the act.

















When You're Cheating...and When You're not.


Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1.* Oral Sex does not count.

2.* If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't
count

3.* If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
*** doesn't count

4.* If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5.* Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6.* If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this", doesn't count

7.* An old flame, doesn't count

8.* An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity ****"

9.* Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex...not cheating

10.* Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11.* Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12.* Kissing body parts is not cheating

13.* An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14.* An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15.* An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet "...not cheating

16.* Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was public right?)

17.* Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18.* In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to
count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19.* An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20.* An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21.* An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
** (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22.* Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23.* An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this
should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24.* Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
*** angry with your significant other doesn't count

25.* An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this
should be considered " getting aquainted ".

26. An act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate votes
impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

** SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

[CobraDan]

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast :
"Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ ______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Light Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. chick is starting
to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ ___
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Call an ambulance...