Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

So that's where the brown stripe on the back of the card comes from...
Always wondered about that.

[little greg]

I bet you didn't know that the Pope was a hot rod guy. When they delivered his souped up POPE MOBILE the pope directed his chauffer to bring the car around for a test drive. The pope kept trying to get the chauffer to REALLY test out this new hot rod but to no avail. Finally the pope said "Pull this thing over, I'll show you how to test out a hot rod!!" Racing through the streets of Rome a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket. When the cop went back to the precinct he began bragging about giving a ticket to "Mr. Big". When they asked him who it was, he looked a little confused then said "Well I don't really know--but the Pope was his chauffer!!!!"

[CobraDan]

Actually it was the wife that went with her friends to the strip joint, but if I can make $60 bucks I'll be joining her. I just got a new card just for you Freddie, it's seems to be a lot larger than most cards. See you at our next meeting, soooon I hope.

Dan

[Flyin_Freddie]

I don't take credit cards, Dan. If you want me, you'll pay cash money, and lots of it...!

[CobraDan]

Freddie,
My plastic is as good as gold, come winter time you will be glad to come on down for a little vacation and try out my new MasterVisa card

Dan

[CobraDan]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who

is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".

Dan

[CobraDan]

Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went into the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I replied: "Not bad I guess."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back east to see some friends and just try to relax..."
Then I hear the person say: "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering."

[CobraDan]

One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[CobraDan]

Skinny Dipping

This fellow had owned this large farm

for several years.

He had a large pond in the back forty,

had it fixed up nice, picnic tables,

horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down

to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while

and look it over. As he neared the pond,

he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw

it was a bunch of young women

skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him,

"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied,

"I didn't come down here

to watch you ladies swim

or get out of the pond,

I only came to feed my alligators!"

[CobraDan]

Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school.
"What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.
Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready.
Grandmother walked past her granson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."

[Mark IV]

A very wealthy man was on his deathbed. He called his three best and most trusted friends and confidants to his side, his doctor, his minister and his lawyer.

"Despite common belief, I think you can take your wealth with you" he declared to his friends. "I am asking each of you to do me this final favor" whereupon he gave each an envelope that contained $250,000.00 in cash. "At my burial I want each of you to place the envelope in my casket so that I may take this with me to my next life".

Sure enough he soon passed on and word of his request spread quickly. At the graveside service the doctor fist stepped forward and tossed his envelope into the casket. The enevelope broke open on contact and it was clearly obvious that there was much less then $250,00.00 in the evelope. The gathered crowd buzzed.
The doctor blushed and stammered "I-I-I think he will be pleased to know that I have bought a new CAT scan machine for the hospital in his name."

With this the minister stepped forward and tossed his envelope into the coffin. It too broke open and it was clear that there was MUCH less than $250,000.00 in the envelope. Once more the crowd gasped. The minister ezxclaimed " I am sure he will be more pleased to know that the money has gone to the church for good works!"

The lawyer then stepped forward, he turned and looked at the doctor and minister. Holding his envelope high he said
"I am ashamed to be in your company, our friend gave us a sacred trust on his deathbed and you have broken that trust, you have disgraced your professions. I want everyone here to know, that in this envelope, is a CHECK for the full amount!"

[Clois Harlan]

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get
to know the kids by asking them their names and what their parents do for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman and my mommy sells Tupperware."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my daddy is a doctor and my mommy is a lawyer."

The next kid says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in* a cabaret for gay men and my mommy is a hooker."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar and that his Mom is a hooker.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my Mom is an accountant for Enron and Dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

[CobraDan]

The Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[BLACKJACK]

RENE DESCARTES WALKS INTO A BAR AND SITS DOWN.

THE BARTENDER ASKS: "CAN I GET YOU A DRINK ?"

DESCARTES REPLYS: "I THINK NOT - - - -".

AND "POOF" - HE DISAPPEARS.


Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK

[bonyhadi]

ttle Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one

day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not

much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a

few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much time, he

asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale.

The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."

Johnny replied, "I'll take three then."

When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to

one-dollar and six cents.

Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you

told me they were three for a dollar."

The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them."

Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

[CobraDan]

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little
baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack
to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little
Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby
was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not
say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we
get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the
baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little
baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly
surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see
good?"

A bit bewildered, the Mother hesitantly replies, "Why, yes...his doctor said
he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause that little f*cker can't
wear glasses!!!!

[CobraDan]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns, there
standing right next to her is a salesman.

Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of
this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh!t
when you hear the price."

[CobraDan]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally hear so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady being smarter than a man thought for a moment and said,"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[CobraDan]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people
words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN! Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Ron thought
about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie
the SH!T"!

[CobraDan]

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look
and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that
child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
----------------------------------------------
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,"But I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
----------------------------------------------
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered."Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
----------------------------------------------
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same
as I'm doing to his business."
______________________________________________
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I..... I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky."Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"