Joke of the Day...

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Here are some conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The
> following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
> control towers from around the world:
> -----
> While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made
> a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female
> ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
> where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
> turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
> tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
>
> Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort
> this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
> expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you
to
> go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
> that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal
> bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller
> in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running; high.
> Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you
> once?"
> -----
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the
> end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway
> 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
> -----
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
>
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
> we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
>
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
> Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
>
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
> copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> -----
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
> They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get
> there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
> we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
> ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
>
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
>
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
>
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
>
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
>
> Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
> Frankfurt before?"
>
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
> -----
> A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard
> the following:
>
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
>
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
> Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody
> war!"
>
>
>