Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Jewish men are the most confident in the world. - They cut the ends off their
dicks before they know how long they will grow!








GOOD, BAD, NAUGHTY

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
*
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
*
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
*
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a ****
*
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "
*
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
*
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
*
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
*
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
*
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
*
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
*
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then
go home with two of them.











DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're
next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delawa














Obtainable Affirmations


1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my
imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my
actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive,
or compromise myself, unless I want to
stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would
be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost
as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my
lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for
without them I would have no
personality at all.

9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental
as all those censorious, self-righteous people
around me.

10. I am willing to make the mistakes if
someone else is willing to learn from them.

Now there, don't we all feel better?
You may continue your day.

















What I've Learned From Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****s.

11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend won't bash seven shades of **** out of you if you shove your cock
in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.









Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the
middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting ... turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
scream out at the end.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
actually complete the act.
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