Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

"The day is coming when millions of callers to
their stock mutual funds' toll-free numbers are
going to receive this message, or its equivalent.
"Thank you for calling. Goodbye." If you think
this can't happen, call this number:

1-800-397-1193

I'm not sure why this number exists, but its
recorded message is a herald of things to come.
When today's stock market hold-outs finally
decide to sell, they had better hope they don't
get this recording."




You live in California when ...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when.

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska (or Yellowknife) when . . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.


You live in the Deep South when . . .
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when . . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and
he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different! "

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
IN THE 21ST CENTURY
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin
Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of five
buildings.

~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.

~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is----> it's you.

~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

----- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a barbecue?

~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little
woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall
building. Suddenly, the officer notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."