Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
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HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" SHOW ??????


6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car
and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or
dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his
assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete
science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids
are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one
TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves, either while driving
or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after
their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut
model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on
performance.
The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over
and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually
earning the right to be called "Mother"

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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
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It's That Time Of The Year Again
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn
off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
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Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The
next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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E-mail Blessings
~*~ Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
~*~ May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for. ~*~
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
~*~ May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers, or the misguided.
~*~ And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
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One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work. The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, what type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller"
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, but first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I
headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, it set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls.
That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
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