Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and
masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with
scissors stuck in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass.






-Idiot Story-
Just outside of Wichita, a 21-year old farm boy was driving a grain
harvester across his winter wheat field to collect the crop. This
particular piece of farm equipment has huge rotating blades that cut down
the wheat stalks. At some point during the harvesting, the driver's cowboy
hat was blown off by the wind and hurtled some distance in front of the
blades.

Thinking that the tractor was not moving fast enough to warrant stopping
-- or perhaps just not thinking at all -- he jumped down and ran in front
of the tractor to collect his hat. It was still being blown around by the
wind, and after chasing it for a bit, he finally caught up with it.
Meanwhile, the harvester had caught up with him, and his body was found
scattered across the wheat field.

Local authorities were contacted by a neighbor who noticed the tractor
crossing Highway 96 with no driver.
~~~~~~~~~~~




Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!
~~~~~~
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty the men strained their necks at her.
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
~~~~~~
It was down under the cherry tree,
the first time my girlfriend showed it to me.
It was hairy and black,
and it had a crack,
and it looked like a jungle to me

So I pulled out my hairy banana,
and I shoved it in the crack.
Then I heard a scream,
and I saw some cream...
so I pulled my banana back!
~~~~~~
There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"
~~~~~~
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.

A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
~~~~~~
There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.
~~~~~~
Penis, penis, you have no sense.
The way you act makes me so tense.
I see a hot honey, and you barely twitch,
But you stand straight up for some skanky *****!










THANK GOD


I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,
fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine. I take forty different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia,
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more. I can't
remember if I am 68 or 86 and....I've lost all my friends. But....thank
God, I still have my driver's license









SOME HANDY TIPS

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken
performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and
letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking
a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and
flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the
MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch
their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping
and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back
to sleep.










Life at the Brink
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.
Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I
remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And
somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"
.





-Idiot Story-
Desert marksmen aim their weapons at Saguaro cacti so frequently that
Arizona was forced to declare the "sport" a felony. Offenders risk a
$100,000 fine and three years in prison. But that doesn't stop
sharpshooters like 27-year-old David, who opened fire on a Saguaro in 1982
and was killed when it fell on him.

He reportedly fired two slugs from a 16-gauge shotgun at a 27-foot cactus,
and began to shout, "Timber!" He only had enough time to utter the first
syllable before a 23-foot section of the prickly plant fell and crushed him
beneath its spiky skin.