Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after
hypothermia has set in.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one
of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't a problem.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the
repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (
though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ).
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean,
how could he know where we're going?
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
_______________ <> _______________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________ <> _______________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Jennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have - once - with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval Ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Stuff To Know
The early bird gets the worm,
but the early worm gets eaten.

All animals are equal,
but some animals are more equal than others.

Never wrestle with a pig:
You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

After eating an entire bull,
a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull,keep your mouth shut."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Dear Mr. Clinton

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my
"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick.
Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really
planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them,
but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to
know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that
certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the
other one involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new
generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look
graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th
Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying
about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's
from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips.

9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax
money. I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a
more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than
jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family
and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any
other administration.

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of
convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them
rejoin society.

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that
Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming
gifts you've received from your "friends".

12. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar
advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million
advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so
wisely and frugally.

Sincerely, A U. S. Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"
the Internet without which I would not be able to send this wonderful
letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
c