Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
A: Wake her up first!
~~~~~
When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lot of class
=====================
NEW CONDOM SLOGANS
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a longer, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condo
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go in heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress your penis
14. When you take off her panda and blouse, zip your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her
oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
FIX THE OUTHOUSE
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
DOS: Defective Operating System.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.
MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs
=========================
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl.
I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull
hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
========================
"Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than three times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Dear Abby:
The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is IF I seek 'professional' help."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts ****ing her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's ****ing magic."
==============
In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy-five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.
=====================
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been
lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way
he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and
sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with
peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house.
So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A
gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she
said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice
peaches for sale."
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are
those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good
peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She
teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes,
they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer
whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils
ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my
peaches."
=========================
What is the sum of 2 + 2? ~~~
An accountant will say "What do you want the answer to be?"
A mathematician will say "I believe it is 4, but I will have to prove it."
A statistician will say "The population is too small to give an
accurate answer, but on the basis of the data supplied the answer
lies between 3 and 5."
An economist will say "Based on today's thinking, the answer is 4
but the answer may be different tomorrow".
An engineer will say "The answer is 4, but adding a safety factor we
will call it 5".
========================
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