Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an
inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
===========================
A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm
to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then
begins to select a pig.
"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."
The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it
hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."
"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's
weight by using that method?"
"Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for
generations."
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs
exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer.
And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in
his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds."
The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
"Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the
mailman."
==========================

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love
to his youngest daughter. Yelling, "You son of a *****,"
he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge
shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a
doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the
man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be
done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich
man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.
However, there's a man across the street who might be able
to help you."

"Oh really? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you

how to hold it without pissing in your face!"
=====================

There once was a man from Chanute,
Who had many warts on his root.
He put acid to these,
and now when he pees

He fingers his root like a flute.
====================================
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to
get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes
in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole.
And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist,
or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?... So he can make a new hole....!
===========================
What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over the wall of the Alamo
and saw all of those Mexicans coming at him?
I didn't know we were pouring concrete today!
==========================
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class
"children, if know the answer, please raise your hand!
Tell me things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, mam!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?".
"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's
answer. Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can
suck lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny
answered, "I heard my mom say, 'turn off the lamp, honey and let me
suck it.'"
=============================
They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be transmitted
through oral sex. What I want to know is, what weirdo was hired to blow
the monkeys ?
======================
There were three gay men sitting at a bar one night and they were
grieving over their boyfriends' deaths.

The first guy said to the others, "Well, when my boyfriend died I
scattered his ashes over the ocean because we both loved sailing and I
just wanted one last sail with him."

And the other two said, "That's lovely."

The second guy then said, "My boyfriend and I loved adventure sports so

I went skydiving and scattered his ashes into the air so he could have
one last jump with me."

The other two then said, "That's beautiful."

Then the third guy, still thinking about what the other two had said,
said "Well, I haven't scattered my boyfriend's ashes yet."

Then the third guy orders the hottest curry the bar has and two strong
beers. When he gets his curry, he sprinkles his boyfriend's ashes over

it and eats it all very fast, then drinks the beers.

The other two look mortified.

The first guy asks "You're eating him?!"

Aloud, the second guy wonders "Why aren't you scattering his ashes?"

So the third guy replied, "Well guys, I just wanted to feel him dribble
out my ass one last time."
==============
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was
accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked "I suppose, like all men
who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his
first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."