Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
====================
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says,"I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts,
no heart, and no spine...and...the head and butt are interchangeable."
==============================================

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,
"Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but
not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other
peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed
limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who
sent you this list.
===================

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this,
and here's the way one old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my penis."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

He stated, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

The man replied, "I can't piss out of it."
=================================
HOW TO SATISFY . . .

How to satisfy a woman everytime. . .

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust,
dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch,
crazy-glue,
respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine,
wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all again.

How to satisfy a man everytime. . .

Blow job.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~