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. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid
is."
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2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the
widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover rather than the big **** he always was."
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3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000 . .please advise. The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl
and re-bait the trap.
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4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten
more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
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5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and
then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think
of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me
what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh well,
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then
something is supposed to happen . . . I think. (Maybe you get your memory
back.)
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