Jokes

[bliss]

Some quotes......

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Some genuine Henny Youngman jokes (at least I'm pretty sure they're genuine).

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLES

Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[bliss]

Turbo Entabulator

"Turbo Encabulator" the Original - YouTube
____

Sincerely ...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them,
they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States
(dated)


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

[bliss]

Don't forget to tie down your ride.....

Unmanned parked aircraft takes off in high winds. [VIDEO]
_____

Ancient Chinese Proverb...

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are
climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of
smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
monkey butts.

[bliss]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning
in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in
sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with
two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said,
"Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway,
this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and
"Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches"
door and found himself in another empty hall, with
two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over
4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door
marked "Once a night" and found himself back out
on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll
never get screwed."

[bliss]

[bliss]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-sh!t!
______

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different.......

An Iowa farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[bliss]

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

[bliss]

The Jive Aces present - Bring Me Sunshine!

The Jive Aces present: Bring Me Sunshine - YouTube

It may just make your day!

[4RE KLR]

I got a 2013 Calender from my Myan Realtor friend so you can all rest easy now.

_________________
Ferrari Killer
Steve

Must Sell Right Now

.

[bliss]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to
amaze their men… that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again...
The engaged girlfriend said, “The other night, when my boyfriend came
home, he found me in the leather bodice, four inch stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I
love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”
The mistress stated, “Oh yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos,
mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.”
The married one then said, “The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mothers. I got myself ready, leather
bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a
beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’”
_____

These are pictures of a polar bear attacking a man.
The pictures were taken while people watched and could
do nothing to stop the attack! Reports from the local
newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.

Warning: graphic gore.

http://dotcomjoe.com/1206f1

[bliss]

A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish merchant to buy black bras, size 38.

The merchant, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The merchant tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish merchant is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

.......and this is why the Chinese own us!

"Business is Business"
_____

There was a knock on the door last week.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing

there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the sh&t out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[bliss]

Public Videos... - C. Moore (MooreFoto)'s Photos | SmugMug Married to an Italian

I Don't Feel Stupid Anymore | Fun Toxin

I had lunch with 2 of my friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a black mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a black mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office wearing a raincoat, and under it only the black bra, plus heels and a black mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stilettos and a black mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said:





Scroll down






"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[letsboogie351]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:







HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED.
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.




On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!



The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'



She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[bliss]

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street when they come to a Catholic church with a sign that reads, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the men stops and stares at the sign. "Abe," he says, "I'm thinking of doing it." With that, he strides purposefully into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your $10?" Murray looks up at him and asks, "Is that all you people can think about?"
_____

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her "*****cat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pu-ssy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.


Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!....

[bliss]

Anti-lock brake system.....

[bliss]

At a wedding party recently the D.J. announced,"Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was crushed to death.
_____

Do Not Tailgate

[bliss]

Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Steve corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
_____

I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.

"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."

I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.

He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
_____

Because all the best humor comes from Jewish stand-up comics,
it's easy to forget that there are Muslim comics as well.
Here's a sample of Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef's work:

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the
bathroom the entire time.
There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied."

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinian"
It bombed!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank ?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police:
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to
blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was, "I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."

Palestinian girl says to her mommy:
"After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"

[bliss]

Definitions.....

FINE: A tax for doing wrong.


TAX: A fine for doing well.

[sllib]

I bet Jenyne Butterfly gives one Hell of a lap dance...

[bliss]

Non-PC British humor....

The wife suggested I get myself one of those d!ck enlargers, so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pervie and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in
other words ---B.I.G.T.I.T.S.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."


Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single -mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!


Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.