Jokes

[bliss]

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?" About 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!" Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'goats'!"

[bliss]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[bliss]

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the
night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat
and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He
wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the
time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a farmer?" she is asked.

"Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was
too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

[bliss]

I was so close to getting off with a speeding ticket the other day. I told the female officer she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Blushing with a huge grin she said 'thank you very much'. To which I replied 'and that's not the booze talking either'.
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[letsboogie351]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off..

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'



The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[bliss]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen ass@ole, don't ***** at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[bliss]

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Excuses for Speeding
Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:
· My gas petal got stuck.
· Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?
· I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off.
· My speedometer is broken.
· I had a bee in my car.
· I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.
· I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.)
· (After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.)
· I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me?
· I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.
· I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more.
· My doctor gave me the wrong medication.
· I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.
· I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving

[bliss]

Someone drunk? Here's how to help.....

http://i.minus.com/ixLGteJDRaOFA.gif


"What´s that drink you´re mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil´ Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What´s in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.

[bliss]

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?"

He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!"

[bliss]

[bliss]

Old Jewish joke...



...an old Jewish man:


An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[bliss]

This Is how the border between India and Pakistan is closed every evening!!
This is not a Monty Python comedy skit, but it does resemble one.
Keep in mind that each of these countries have nuclear weapons!!!

click below:
How the border between India and Pakistan is closed, every day. [VIDEO]

Also......

[bliss]

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
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Whats the difference between light and hard????



Men can sleep with a light on!!!!!
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The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said “well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor”. “Well , what did he want to do?” They all asked. She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”.

“Finally I said, well how much do you have”? The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?”

I loaned him $75!” she said.

[bliss]

A young korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"Thats disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog."the guy claims.

"Don't blame the dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'


Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'


Sally replied, 'No... salty.
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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,

gets in the car and fu%^s off.

[bliss]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chocolate in hand - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[bliss]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[bliss]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[bliss]

Available on Craigslist.....

1962 International rat rod?
Date: 2012-06-21, 11:24AM EDT

for sale 1962 international truckcar, has every optional that a car could have ,has frontwheel drive driveline disk brakes all around , has air bags that are in working order has oldsmobile dash with tilt cruise , power seats , air -did work but i low of freon due from setting -can drive it anywhere, every light works as well as new cab lights allready has grandam door handles installed and work great, has alloy wheels and this truck has a good title which is titled as a international, has a grand am rear with the original duel exhaust, car is fuel injected and there are no check engine lights on?everthing is in working order but the aircondition is low of freon call if interested to much to list lots of time put in this car , have to many other projects to ,do so call 555 555 5555 -no emails please -price is firm -have probly twice as much invested .-this vehicle will be sold where is as is...thanks

[bliss]

Also, available....

[bliss]

Paraprosdokians.....

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.


Furious, she screams,
"You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"
The husband replies,
"For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........"