Jokes

[Jim Werth]

Mother of All Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this…
Yep. I know you will

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[bliss]

Shampoo Warning!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

[bliss]

A Woman's Demerit System

Here is a guide to the point system: (You don't get any points for doing
something she expects.)

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE _
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[bliss]

Heads up.....

[bliss]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

[bliss]

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.’

[bliss]

[bliss]

[Hydramada]

Originally Posted by bliss

[bliss]

Jest - Gilbert Gottfried Reads Fifty Shades of Grey | Funny Video

[letsboogie351]

WHEN…My wife asked me,
"How many women have you slept with"

I proudly replied,
"Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

and by the way, Hospital Visiting Hours are 10am to 8pm.

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

A man told his doctor that he had a problem with sex. "Doc, I'm just too small."
"Which brand of beer do you drink?" asked the doctor.
"Budweiser."
"Ah," said the doctor. "There's your problem. American beer shrinks things. Try Guinness. That makes things grow!"
Two months later, the man returned to the doctor to thank him.
"I take it you're a Guinness drinker now," said the doctor.
"Oh, no, Doc," he replied. "I put the wife on Budweiser!"
_____

Two old friends meet at a bar for drinks.
"You look happy," one says. "What's going on with you?"
"Well, the wife told me to get one of those penis enlargers,
so I did. She is 24 and her name is Debbie."
_____

The ultimate irony...

The first real flying saucer is from Earth, and it landed on Mars.

[bliss]

4 men are sitting in a barber shop...

They were talking about how often each one has sex.

The 1st one is a newlywed. He said he gets it once a day.

The 2nd guy had been married several years. He said he gets it once a week.

The 3rd man had grown children. He said he is lucky if he gets it once a month.

The 4th man was a quiet old guy. He was grinning from ear to ear, so the others asked him, "how often do you have sex old man?"
The old guy says with a smile, "once a year".
So they ask, "why are you smiling about that?"
He replies, "because tonight's the night!"

[bliss]

Gearhead Girl #1 in a 1200HP Twin Turbo Lamborghini Gallardo - YouTube

[bliss]

Which reminds me of an old joke: A guy sees a lunch counter with a sign in the window, "Orange Juice - All you can drink for 10 Cents." He walks in and orders a glass of orange juice. The guy at the counter produces a tiny juice glass and fills it up. "Ten cents," he says. The guy pays, drains the glass, and says, "Fill it up again." The guy at the counter says, "Okay, but that'll be another ten cents." The guy says, "Wait a minute -- your sign says 'All you can drink for ten cents.'" The guy at the counter says, "Right. And that's all you can drink for ten cents."

[bliss]

I was watching the women beach finals the other night. 5 minutes into the match there was a serious wrist injury suffered. I put ice on it and it seems better today. LOL
_____

[bliss]

Analogies & Metaphors Found in school Essays......

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

[xb-60]

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo
sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all (?) seriousness.
It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.



Memo

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of
the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.