Jokes

[bliss]

Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[bliss]

[392cobra]

The Genealogy of Jack Schitt....

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt

[bliss]

Just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom.
The sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's moving now!
_____

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
_____

[bliss]

The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight a$$, with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
_____

[bliss]

Alzheimer's Test for ClubCobra Members

How fast can you guess these words

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S

6._ _NDOM



------------------------------------------------------------------------------














Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's.
You are just a pervert.

[bliss]

In several way, nostalgia can be fun.....for example: the Hula Hoop!

[letsboogie351]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had
a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.

May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.


She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said ...



‘Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.’

[bliss]

[kevins2]

A roofing foreman was watching one of his workers shingling a roof and noticed that the worker was randomly throwing away about half the nails. When the foreman confronted the worker about this, the worker explained that those nails he tossed had the heads on the wrong end. The foreman stared at the worker for a few seconds in disbelief. "YOU IDIOT........YOU MORON!", the foreman screamed. "Those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

[bliss]

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK'S HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Bobbie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter
_____

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[bliss]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast. He called out,
"Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets -
we're one short."
_____

The Good Wife
On a bitterly cold winter 's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don 't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don 't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
_____

[bliss]

Clever Bird Goes Fishing

[bliss]

Cute Pandas

[bliss]

Considered fake, but a darn good one....

Amazing video shows golden eagle snatching toddler — almost

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice. “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[bliss]

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol
in honor of the United States Senate And House of Representatives.
It will be named the "Congressman."

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
_____

Male Rat Experiment

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was
in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on
one side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every
time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never
towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that
food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back row said: "Sir, why don't
you change the female rat? She may be his wife!

[bliss]

She was a diehard Elvis Presley fan and wanted a tattoo.

She went to Coon’s Tattoo Parlor down on Main Street and told the artist she wanted Elvis’ face tattooed on her right inner thigh. After the artist finished, she looked at his work for a while and decided that it just did not look like Elvis. She demanded that the artist try again on her left inner thigh. So he drew another face. Again, she looked at his work and declared that it didn’t look like Elvis and she was not going to pay for it.

The artist suggested that they get an unbiased opinion from the next passerby on the street. If the passerby thought the tats looked like Elvis, she would pay for both. If not, there would be no charge. She agreed and took a seat on the bench in front of the shop.

When the next guy came by, she showed him the tats and asked, “Who does this look like?”

The guy studied for a minute and finally said, “I don’t know who those two on the ends are, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson.”
_____

A five page letter.....

Formal Reprimand Issued To Flatulent Federal Worker