Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be
referred to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to
as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
_____

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Kinda a joke....

Positive ground (they meant "earth") depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as smoke.

Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another.

When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: A gentleman does not motor about after dark.

Joseph Lucas - The Prince of Darkness

A few Lucas quips:

The Lucas motto: Get home before dark.

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Back in the '70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Is this like saying STFU?

[bliss]

Works for me....



Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[Rick Parker]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for forty years."



[/center]

[bliss]

Not a joke, just something to start out the new year - happy new year to all.

[bliss]

[bliss]

A New Year’s Blessing....

May your life be like a big roll of toilet paper, long and useful.
_____

Wife to Husband: "Did you ever see $10 crunched up?"

Husband: "No, I did not"

Wife pulls out a $10 bill and crunches it all up and continues: "Did you ever see $100 all crunched up?". The Husband replied: "no I have not". The wife pulls out a $100 bill and crunches it all up and asked: "Did you ever see $40,000 all crunched up?" The husband started to get interested, but still replied with a "No". Wife: "Look in the garage!"

[tcrist]

Originally Posted by bliss

Not a joke, just something to start out the new year - happy new year to all.

Thank You, and Happy New Year to you too.

[bliss]

They play taller....

[RichardCSX6000]

Blonde is driving behind truck and notices he is losing part of his load. Truck stops at stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver rolls up window and drives off.
Truck stops at next stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver rolls up window and drives off.
Truck stops at next stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver of the truck says "its a salt truck lady"

[392cobra]

I heard Pepperidge Farms wanted Tony Romo to sponsor there new line of turnovers.

[bliss]

25000 men surveyed were asked:

Why do you like BJ's?

1% liked the warmth.
2% liked the sensation.
3% liked the eroticism.
94% liked the peace and quiet.

[bliss]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him,"How much is that vanity set?

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot Alone!

[letsboogie351]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[bliss]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
_____

How many Freudian’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to turn the light bulb and one to hold the penis…I mean ladder. I meant to say ladder.
_____

A woman walks into a bar...

...and orders a double-entendre.

The bartender gives it to her, if you know what I mean.
_____

New Math...

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes. Billy has diabetes.
_____

[bliss]

Lawyers....
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!
_____

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?