Jokes

[bliss]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,

"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...I'll have to give it to
this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,

"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the man anxiously blurted out,

"Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[bliss]

A brief iterview with Bill Clinton

Reporter: "How's Hillary's head?"

Bill Clinton: "We'll, she's no Monica."
_____

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,"
the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

[letsboogie351]

A man walks into his crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling:

"Who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts;

"You don't have enough ammo, mate!

[bliss]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
_____

Strangely humorous and worth watching...

COMPLETE: Ben Shapiro CUTS Piers Morgan DOWN

[bliss]

[bliss]

A Cop pulls Bubba over for speeding and says--
"you're eyes look a little red, have you been drinking"?.
Bubba looks straight at the cop and says "You're
eyes look a little glazed--you been eatin' donuts??"
_____

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out
a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
_____

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Two Bubbas were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Bubba looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other Bubba leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks like he's friendly..."
_____

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous
by letting the Government take care of him,
better take a closer look at the American Indian...." Henry Ford
_____

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions
when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always
want to marry a virgin?"
To which she handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
_____

[bliss]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari?
_____

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
_____

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
_____

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
_____

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
_____

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
_____

[bliss]

Difference: Liberal, Conservative, Redneck....

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

REDNECK ANSWER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading)....

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right, Dad. I saw it too ..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Can I have his boots?"

[letsboogie351]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"

[bliss]

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist...

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it...
_____

[bliss]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men, totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexuale masculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture", he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Jaydee]

Father, Mother and son went to the circus. Son asks dad.What is that long thing hanging from the elephant? That is the trunk, son. No dad, the long thing at the back? That's the tail, son. No no dad, the long thing between his legs? Son, that's the elephants penis. But dad, when I asked mum, she said it was nothing. Son, your mother has been spoiled.
JD

[bliss]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
_____

[bliss]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
____

[bliss]

[letsboogie351]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'