Jokes

[bliss]

Do you know why Married Women usually weigh more than Single Women?

Well, I do.

A single woman comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, and then goes to bed.

A married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed, then goes to the refrigerator.
____

"Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women"

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women...

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

So, as the years go by does this ever happen to you when you look into a mirror....

[bliss]

the coolest guy at the boat ramp - now that's a boat!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, since
we will be in such a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, the
odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands
safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, have we already sent our tax return to the IRS with the $5000 payment due?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds. "Not yet."
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for
the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I haven't yet sent those either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[CobraEd]

Very Good !!!!

Tickets For Sale



.

[bliss]

Bus Stop Quiz,,,, yes an old one...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car,then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

[bliss]

McDonald's fires back...

Saying your kids are fat because of us..
is like saying it’s Hooters fault
your husband likes big t!ts..
_____

Q: If someone from the 1950's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?

A: I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers...

[bliss]

A little girl goes to the barber with her father.When it's his turn to get his hair cut she stands next to him while eating a snack cake. The barber looks at her and says You're going to get hair on your twinkie,to which she replies "Yup, and I'm going to get boobs too"
_____

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 47 -- One to change the bulb and a team of 46 lawyers to copyright iChange; the alternate light bulb protocol and then sue anyone else who changes a light bulb, ever.

[bliss]

[bliss]

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Huge Bear Surprises Samsung Crew on EcoBubble washing machine Photo Shoot in BC - YouTube

[bliss]

YIKES!

[bliss]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
_____

My dog - the paradox

[bliss]

Chicago Gun Control...



This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Dang--- this is a great country!

[bliss]

[bliss]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES:

English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Nice T!ts...Get in the Truck
_____

A man in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...

"I miss Chicago."

So, he broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps!"

[kevins2]

This isn't new, but if you haven't seen it, it is one of the better blooper compilations I've seen...

American Fishing Program bloopers:

American Fishing Program Bloobers - YouTube

[bliss]

Flying with the birds

[bliss]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[dave from mesa]