Jokes

[bliss]

A friend of mine was telling me....

"I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife!"
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Minnesota Humor...

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an Iowan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian 'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

BAR RIDDLE

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota . While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner ... 'Look,' he said, 'let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?' 'Ya, dat sounds purty good,' said the Swede. The Indian said, 'My father and my mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?' The Swede scratched his head and finally said, 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It was ME,' chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, 'Sven,' he said, 'I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?' 'Fair enough,' said Sven. Okay....my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't m y brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?' 'Search me, ' said Sven. 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda.'

MUSIC SOLUTION

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vit a clarinet, she can't sing.

HONEYMOON TRIP

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.

[FWB]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[bliss]

A little boy was born and he was only a head. So his mom would set him on the window sill so he could look out and see the other boys playing baseball.

"I sure wish I had a body, so I could go down and play baseball." thought the little boy. And POOF! He had a body! So his mother carried him downstairs and he started to play with his new friends.

"I sure wish I had arms, so I could play third base instead of being third base." And POOF! He had arms! So the little boy started catching balls, but they would often be out of reach.

"I sure wish I had legs, so I could run after the balls." And POOF! He had legs!

Just then, a fly ball came his way and the little boy joyously ran after it, ran into the street, and got hit by a car.

What's the moral of the story?















Quit while you're a head.

[bliss]

My grandma.....

"I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

Thinking I was about to be rich I said, "Oh my Granny, you are SO generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, my grandmother whispered, "Facebook."
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my johnson.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and makes her ass sore.
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[bliss]

A man goes to see the Rabbi....

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

[bliss]

[bliss]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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[letsboogie351]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super *****!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

[bliss]

Wait! What? I remember it differently....

[bliss]

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!
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[bliss]

What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?

Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.
_____

A man was telling his neighbor "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
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A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

[bliss]

I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row.
_____

Frightening statistic..............

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!
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[bliss]

[bliss]

Definition of eternity....

Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Adviser since retirement...

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired...Do I have a job?

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my f*@%ing advice,
she'll ask me for it.”
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Bad advice...

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania....
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[Ibr8k4vetts]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on hot rod parts instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a Hot Rod in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and Hot Rodding."

[bliss]

So I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

She hates being interrupted.
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I started a new Band....

.....called The Duvets...we're a cover band.
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[letsboogie351]

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.