Jokes

[bliss]

Sleeping in could easily be my superpower, if not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
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It's amazing the things you'll do for a person when you want to see them naked.
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Hey guys, the best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order, but before you pull up to the window.
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Comcast is doing home security now...

so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there next Tuesday between the hours of 12 and 4pm.
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I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping just short of the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this inconvenience. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[bliss]

"In sign language... the story of my life can be told through a series of face-palms."

"Due to heavy fog, my brain has been grounded until further notice."

"I'm single by choice, not my choice..."

"Boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume."

"I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy or the best looking guy, but...oh hell, now I'm depressed."

"My doctor ordered me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant."

[bliss]

Women:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat-race, you're a male chauvinist

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with
low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an
insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you,
it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear,
you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape,
you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit.
"He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
______

Appropriate joke for this time of year...

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
tossing a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they
walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and
the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts
panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable
man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks
up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and
places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way
across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and
squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the
father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying: "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a
doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue
Service."
;-)

[bliss]

A man had some trouble lasting during sex.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[bliss]

Life would be perfect if:
Anger had a mute button,
Mistake had a back button,
Hard times had a fast forward button
&
Good times had a pause button.
_____

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
_____

A kid had sex with his teacher....

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
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"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought.... It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital
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My wife and I had words last night, but I never got to use mine.
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I do what the little voices in my wife's head tell me to do.
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Technically, Humpty Dumpty was a crackhead.
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Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.
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[bliss]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! - This is unforgivable?? the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation............... She never got your email!"
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Daughter...

"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad...

"You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
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Just passing....

[bliss]

It was my birthday last week. My wife asked me if I wanted oral sex or a new pair of shoes. I went head over heels.
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A friend of mine has a trophy wife. She obviously didn't win first place.
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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is expensive.
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Sorta funny....

[bliss]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "Look I don't have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
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My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
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A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

[bliss]

A friend just returned from a visit to a looted CVS pharmacy in Baltimore. She said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards......
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My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.
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What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.
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Is Google a Boy or a Girl?

A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it never ever forgets what you said.
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[bliss]

My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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My doctor recommended I work out with dumbbells, so I asked my wife and her sister if they wanted to go jogging with me.
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My neighborhood watch group is having a meeting about the creepy guy. I wasn't invited.
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URGENT WARNING!

If you get an email titled "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton" — for God’s sake DO NOT open it!

It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[bliss]

Mars Landing


TEXTING BETWEEN GENERATIONS..

*Daughter to Dad...*

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. So, get out your checkbook. LOL :>) I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love and thank you sooooo much!, Your favorite daughter, Lilly



*Dad's Reply.... (also by texting)...*

My Dear Lilly: Like, Wow! Really? Cool! AWESOME! Whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy
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One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."
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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?


A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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[bliss]

English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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A traveling salesman is riding through the countryside when his car breaks down. He walks to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

The farmer adds, "And an outdated one, too. Nowadays salesmen jes' carry a cell phone."
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Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

[Gaz64]

Originally Posted by bliss

Mars Landing


Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?


A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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I like this one, can I use it at work and substitute "lawyer" with "salesman or service manager"?

Keep them coming Bliss, a great job.

Gary

[bliss]

Thanks Gary - you know, one of the moderators here is a lawyer! I'm not sure what the other one does for a living. Yes, of course you may use it.

Anyway - some dark humor....



I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
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I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
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[bliss]

If you love something, set it free.

If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
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I got kicked out of the

dentist's for using all the nitrous oxide. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
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Cool pilot story....


Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.
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[bliss]

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.
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I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!

Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started.
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A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?”

She says, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”
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[cycleguy55]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[bliss]

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
_____



A sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The sailor says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The sailor smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

And that, my friends.........is Confidence !

[bliss]

My earliest memory is nine months before I was born. I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
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My neighbors listen to great music......whether they like to or not.
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My wife kept complaining that she needed more space, so I locked her out of the house.
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I don't remember the words "Anything you say can and will be used against you" being in my marriage vows.
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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[bliss]

A Scene at the City Hall in San Francisco....

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.""Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!""Incest?"

No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?""We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.""Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?" "David Deets.""And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"