Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

Text to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again, sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard.

[Ron61]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[bliss]

A minister decided an unusual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He placed 4 worms in separate jars.

The 1st in a jar of alcohol...
The second in a jar of smoke
The third in a jar of chocolate
And the fourth in a jar of good clean dirt.

The 1st died in the alcohol

The second died in the cigarette smoke.

The third died in the chocolate.

And the fourth remained alive and well.

He then asked the congregation what they learned from the lesson.

Maxine piped up, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
_____

I went to the store by bicycle last Friday night, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in my bicycle basket. Suddenly I thought that I could fall off the bicycle, and the bottle would break. So I decided to drink the whole bottle right away, before going home. And you know, this was a really good decision, because on the way home I fell five times.
_____

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I knew I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
_____

My wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.
_____

I wonder if the guy who coined the term

"One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

[bliss]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
.
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally."
.
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
.
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago."
.
The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Arizona."
.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
.
She says, "No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago."
.
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
.
The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work."
_____

My Last Ride

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and ended in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

“I'm okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That's nice of you,” I answered, ”but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I'm sure my wife won't like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.”

“Don't be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”
_____

Don't want to brag, or make anyone jealous but my wife still fits into her high school earrings!

[bliss]

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence
into a six-hour argument takes talent.
_____

International Women's Day....

Since when does 'spring cleaning' need a new name anyway?
_____

[Ron61]

[520SC]

Beavis: Hey, I just installed a single stage nitrous system on my stock block 302 and it pulled 500 hp on the dyno yesterday.

Butt-Head: Wow! That's awesome! Well, yesterday I was walking through a corn field and I ran across an old, abandoned Model A. It was completely rusted out and the inside smelled like rat poop and urine, but you know what? The headlights were still on!

Beavis: Oh, come on, man! Do you think I'm stupid or something? Get real!

Butt-Head: Okay then, I'll make you a deal. Subtract 150 hp from your dyno pull and I'll turn off my lights.

[Ron61]

[bliss]

As I've Matured... I've learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.



I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.



I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.



I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it



I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.


I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the as$ are permanent.

[Ron61]

Good ones Bliss.

Ron

[Ron61]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all being chased by cops. They reach an alley and there are 3 barrels. The redhead goes into the barrel filled with cats, the brunette goes into the barrel full of dogs, and the blonde goes inside the barrel filled with potatoes. The cops arrive at the alley and kick the barrels to see which ones have people in them. The cop kicks the barrel with cats and the redhead goes "Meow meow" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kick the barrel with dogs and the brunette goes "Bark bark" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kicks the barrel with the potatoes and the blonde says "Potato, Potato".

[bliss]

By the way, I appreciate the "Likes" as they encourage me to post and point out what type of stuff is likely to be appreciated. Thanks.
_____

A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.
_____

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".

She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"

I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
_____

[bliss]

Older Guys are just wiser

A 71-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there’s another condition".
.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
.
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. She smiles and puts the money in her purse.
.
He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly: ... "Paint my house."
.
Remember, the moral of the story is: Us older guys have different priorities.
_____

[Trubble]

Bliss,
You keep posting gems like this Chicago bar scene, I'll keep coming back! Enjoying your humor.
Bill

[Ron61]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[CSX 4133]

The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.
The pastor is still laughing.

[bliss]

I woke up this morning and nothing hurt....

I thought I was dead.
_____

[CSX 4133]

50 Shades of grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am...!!!!!!!!

[bliss]

Might be time to get in shape.

Halfway up the stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and making another attempt in the morning.
_____

As a bartender, I hate it when people drinking want to talk politics...
"So what do you think about the middle east?"

Well, I think you're drinking at 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm making minimum wage.

Maybe we're not the guys who are going to solve this thing!
_____

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.
_____

[CSX 4133]

Arriving In Heaven


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"