Jokes

[VRM]

Then & now -- How true !!!


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1960 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI and Swat team called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1960 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car and parent's home searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1960: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1960 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1960 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison

[cobra de capell]

For My Democratic Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the of the generally accepted calendar
year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other
country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . And without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith
or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are
accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original
greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of
the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited
by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good
tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion
of the wisher."

For My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !

[VRM]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Bean-town comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Ron61]

Entertainment at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

"The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

[Mark IV]

The state of football in Detroit

A Detroit Lions family of fans has tickets to Sunday afternoon game. First they attend church and to be sure as not to put the tickets in the collection plate in error, the father leaves them on the dashboard of the family car in the church parking lot.

After church they rush out to leave for the game and to their horror they see the drivers side window had been smashed out............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................and six more tickets left on the dash!!!!


How do you keep lions out of your yard?
Put up goalposts!!!!!!!!!!1

[cobra de capell]

CHRISTMAS PARTIES
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog and rum.

[Michael P. Wole]

Just had my annual physical...have a terminal situation: suffereing from TMB.
Too Many Birthdays...and happy to have it.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

The Blonde Son

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Just do something nice for dad in
my name and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got
another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense...

However, bills for $200 kept arriving each month, and finally the man
called his brother again to find out what was going on...

"Well," said his befuddled blonde brother, "you said to do something
nice for dad, so I rented him a tuxedo!"

[VRM]

*1st Hellooo!*

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flip a coin, one team got it and for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like ... Hellooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

*2nd Hellooo!*

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Hellooo, can you see Florida?"

*3rd Hellooo!*

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who acquired two new dogs, and asked what their names were. The blonde responded by saying one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[VRM]

Losing your load
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi,
my name is Kevin, it's winter in Nebraska and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[VRM]

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *****," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

[VRM]

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."
Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow."
He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

[VRM]

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the Co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.". He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston ."

[cobra de capell]

25 Funniest/Worst Analogies Ever Written in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Strange Analogies

The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head with a bad sunburn, but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning. (Debra Allen, Wichita Falls)

Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast. (Beth Knutson, Coon Rapids)

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (unknown)

As Fiona slowly drew the heavy velvet curtain aside, her eyes smoldered black, deep, and dark as inside the lungs of a coal miner, although it would be black in anyone's lungs if you could get in there because there wouldn't be any light, even in the pink ones of people who don't smoke. (Lou A. Waller, Norman)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer, Herndon)

Losing is like fertilizer: it stinks for a while, then you get used to it. (Tony, Hibbing)

A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (unknown)

He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes "woo woo woo". (unknown)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually. (unknown)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (unknown)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

Just like (or as) a bicycle rider lifts his butt from the seat when he sees a bump coming, so Bob pulled back, emotionally, when Alice got angry. (Jim Caughran, Willowdale)

She danced with the grace and elegance of a pregnant cow. (Patricia Kilday)

The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting. (unknown)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The moon looked like a discarded toenail clipping submersed in a puddle of saliva on a black formica countertop. (Lindsay Robertson, Brooklyn, NY)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

We are all like those little pink and blue plastic people in the game of Life. (Meghann Olson, Bakersfield)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (unknown)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose. (unknown)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them. (Kristi Herd, Denver)

My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox. (Ron Calabrese, Reisterstown)

Chicken: it's like a cow, but different. (Ben Olson, Bakersfield)

The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. (unknown)

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)

[cobra de capell]

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) dropped his commitment to support Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) in a 2008 presidential race. Kennedy said he doesn't plan to immediately endorse another candidate and still might support Kerry. But Kennedy offered strong praise for what he called two "formidable figures who are connecting with rank-and-file Democrats.”

“While I have the utmost respect and admiration for Senator Kerry, I want to keep my options open,” Kennedy said. “I was particularly impressed by the showing demonstrated by Hugo Chavez’s landslide win in the recent Venezuelan presidential election. I sense a rising buzz among Democrats for this man-of-the-people. I could throw my support to him should he seek the Democratic nomination.”

Kennedy also said he is considering the qualifications of current Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “As an outspoken leader of the coalition that defeated America’s aggression in Iraq, I think Ahmadinejad merits a look,” Kennedy contended. “He’s knowledgeable about the Middle East and strong on moral values. He would never condemn a man who had to swim for his life to escape the clutches of a seductive whore.”

After being apprised by Sen. Kerry’s people that Chavez and Ahmadinejad are ineligible, Kennedy's office issued a statement clarifying that Kennedy will support Kerry if he declares his presidential candidacy. “Senator Kerry has graciously provided additional information that has reassured Senator Kennedy that he is worthy of his continued support,” the statement read.

“I simply told my good friend Senator Kennedy that there was no need to go to the labor of amending the Constitution to permit these foreign gentlemen to run for president,” Kerry said. “There isn’t anything either of them could do that I wouldn’t be able to do better.”

In related news, Kerry announced that he was taking his stand up comedy routine to Iraq to entertain the troops. “People say that my ‘botched joke’ offended our troops, but everywhere I go I’m hearing laughter,” Kerry said. “It’s exhilarating. The guys in Iraq deserve to see my act live.”
____

[VRM]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN


#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

[VRM]

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed 3 times, then said 'Oh. ****e.', then cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.".

[VRM]

~1~
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

~2~
Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

~3~
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

~4~
For high blood pressure sufferers:
simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

~5~
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

~6~
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
Then you will be afraid to cough.

~7~
Have a bad toothache?
Smash your thumb with a hammer
and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends.
You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

[VRM]

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me
it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The
long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so
I could spend weekends with her, and the advice her used to
give!

Much was wasted because I was so young. If she were alive today
and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers
enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd
find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

And she answered, "Makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[cobra de capell]

Subject: The Crabby Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,

"What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."