Jokes

[VRM]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out. He
asks "How bad is it Doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin!"

The doctor tells him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this...still in the
CRATE!"

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's

in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a

Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a

Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many

requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want

the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the

differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The

Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up

the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and

upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what

does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[cobra de capell]

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " Kansas ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in Kansas ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

[cobra de capell]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[BigGuy]

I’m passing on this "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers that I received from an unnamed friend.

“Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.”

[Ron61]

There's Teeth Down There!
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
Outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes
Walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's
Skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that
Women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his
Lucky Stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little
Boy Grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When
he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are
Out Of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour
Of Making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you
Could Go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says,
Pointing To her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as
Teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"
No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women
Have Teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
Throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have
Any Teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing
The Condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.

[Wes Tausend]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

[Wes Tausend]

...

This is actually not a joke... If you can pass, you can safely turn on your Cobra ignition Key again and cancel your annual eye examination... Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once you've found the C..........

Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6...

Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM


...

[CobraEd]

took about 15 seconds. Heres a hint, when looking for the "N", look for the shortest line, and it is in that line. Brain power is stronger than eye power!!!

[wtm442]

It only took me about 3 seconds because the same brain teaser was posted about 4 months ago!

[cobra de capell]

It's easy, highlight the area with your browser, go to Edit, Find - key in C or 6 or N and they show up in less than a second. So, don't strain your eyes, use the PC!

[BigGuy]

Subject: Fw: THE INDIAN AND THE BUFFLO



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:





"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..



"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."



:

[cobra de capell]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

[cobra de capell]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the sale barn and sell them. At the sale, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"

[Ron61]

LETTERS FROM WOMEN DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised a Christian turn against his upbringing.

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

[cobra de capell]

I'm not sure if this is a joke, but it's one man's solution:

Like many people, my life has not exactly been a bowl of cherries. From childhood family problems to my own marital difficulties, from my teenaged struggle to find meaning in my existence to my recent financial woes, it seems like every day of my life has offered little more than a 24-hour struggle to avoid complete mental breakdown.

Through it all, there's only been one thing I could count on - one companion that's always been at my side, one friend that's never led me astray: alcohol. Yes, for much of my life, drinking was the only thing that saw me through the tough times.

I was barely out of my youth the first time drinking alcohol helped me make it through a particularly difficult period. It was my fifteenth birthday, in fact, and my father had gone a little overboard with my birthday spanking, if you know what I mean. No, it wasn't the first time he'd hit me, but I was determined to make it the last. That night, as I gathered my belongings and prepared for my premature escape into the world of independence, I found a half-full bottle of my father's whiskey. Although I didn't care much for the taste, I hastily guzzled it down in celebration of my pending liberation.

To make a long story short, I didn't end up running away from home that night. Instead, I ended up passing out on my bedroom floor. And you know something? In the harsh light of that April morning, I realized that running away from home was not such a great idea. It turned out that drinking had helped me both forget about my father's physical abuse and deter me from making a big mistake in running away.

I've been drinking my problems away ever since.

In fact, looking back on all these years, I think it's safe to say that by now, if it hadn't been for drinking, I probably would have ended up on skid row, in jail or even dead. With as much **** as I've had to go through in life, as many nights as I've been on the brink of emotional and mental collapse, it's perfectly reasonable to envision myself having resorted to some sort of self-destructive behavior instead of just crawling inside the bottle for a few days. It's pretty hard to cause yourself harm when you have zero control over your basic motor functions.

With alcohol being so readily available, I often find it hard to believe that so many people turn to self-destructive activities like listening to rock music or overeating whenever one of life's little hurdles puts them back on their heels. Equally confusing are the ideas of going to a psychiatrist or joining a support group. Whenever I need to find someone to listen or a group of people with similar problems, I needn't look any further than the closest pub! You'd be suprised how many others use the bottle as their pillar of strength.

Well, no matter what remedy you choose to combat this cancer called life, remember: like a hangover, the tough times will pass

[DAVID GAGNARD]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump $hit out of an aircraft.
*Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[Ron61]

Woodpecker Logic

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed
to
fly across the ocean to Hawaii , were arguing about which place had
the
toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no
woodpecker could peck! The Californian woodpecker challenged him and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian
woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The
Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge. So after flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[Don]

Source and Author Unknown:

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars, but check when you say the
paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death
by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his
chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble
bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not
on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will
have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those
enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone
rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for
doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't
all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid
idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer when we complained about the
heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you. I've done my job and sent this email
to you , now it's up to you to send it on.

[cobra de capell]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
_____