Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."
____

Question: What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

Answer: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

Question:: How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Answer: Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
_____

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
_____

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____

[Art Burtt]

Two buddies drinking:
Two buddies are getting very drunk when suddenly one of them throws up on himself.
He says,"oh no, my wife is going to kill me!
His buddy says,"don't worry pal just put a twenty dollar bill in your front pocket and tell your wife some guy threw up on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaning bill".

They stay for another couple of rounds and get even drunker.

Eventually the drunk stumbles home and his wife starts giving him a hard time,"you reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself ,you are disgusting"!
Spaeaking very crefully so as not to slur,he says,
"Nowaina minit, I can 'spalin everything! itsh not what you think. I only had a cupoladrinks. But some guy threw up on me ,he had too many and couldn't hold his liquor. he said he was very sorry and gave me a twennie bucks for the cleaning bill". His wife looks in his pocket and says, But this forty dollars". "Oh yeah... I almos forgot,he shhhit in my pants too"!

[Wes Tausend]

...

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-$-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.
A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.


...

[Ron61]

Chinese Laundry


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
ChineseLaundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the
next collection of soiled clothes;

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[Cobrabill]

Blue Pigeon


The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix.


The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was
full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks
or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets
and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five
million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up
into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue
pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.
The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of
the city.


The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top
City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he
did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the
man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get
to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

[dave from mesa]

Walmart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive and mean woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no
they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[cobra de capell]

Anger Management

________________________________

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right if***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *** hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*** hole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *** hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *** hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"


He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an *** hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called *** hole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an *** hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "*** hole, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *** hole," and hung up.

Then I called ***hole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, *** hole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***,"

I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak tree
Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

[cobra de capell]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill,
in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
_____

[cobra de capell]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[BigGuy]

THE IRISH ARE A JOY TO KNOW

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me
a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of
the
car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each
back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said,
"You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall
mirror.


-----------------------


.

[d_ford]

differences




Friendship Between Women:





A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.





Friendship between Men:





A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

[Cobrabill]

Subject: Texas Cowboy



A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give
me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the US government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.............
Now
give me back my dog."

[cobra de capell]

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-throughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought He would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

"A martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."

The robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers would do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a stool. Again ordered a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, "Uh... About 50."

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-r-e......... Y-o-u-r......... P-e-o-p-l-e......... G-o-I-n-g..........t-o........ N-o-m-I-n-a-t-e..........
H-I-l-l-a-r-y-?????

[Cobrabill]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a beautiful blonde gal already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday

[Ron61]

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I > hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[Cobrabill]

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the
reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two Government Officials
sent to interview
him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have
observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these
events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for
over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found this land, Indians were
running
it."

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

" All night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled,

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that."

[VRM]

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:


a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

[cobra de capell]

"Photo taken 10 March 2007 shows a house belonging to a stubborn Chinese homeowner Wu Ping, after refusing to accept a compensation deal by a property developer is surrounded by the ongoing building site excavation in Chongqing."(AFP/File/Mark Ralston)

[cobra de capell]