Jokes

[cobra de capell]

25 Signs That You've Already Had Too Much of the 21st
Century

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year,but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse... you're going to forward it to someone else.”

[cobra de capell]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year
old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the
door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with
the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No, thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's
lover are in the closet together. Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$75"
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the ball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't,
I sold them." Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"”

[cobra de capell]

Here is one of life's handy lessons. Much time and money has
been spent on this research.

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and screw, you won't get worms.

[uncltodd]

You know you've had enough of the 21st Century when you take your Boss out to lunch for her birthday, and afterward buy her a new ring for her navel.

Yes, I did.

[cobra de capell]

uncltodd - I'm thinking that that was OK, according to the Man Laws list!


MAN LAWS

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

[cobra de capell]

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."”

[cobra de capell]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday."”

[cobra de capell]

One day, shortly after the birth of their first baby, the
mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa
stayed home to watch his new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The
father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby
wouldn't stop crying. Finally, dad got so worried that he
decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After a brief examination the doctor undid the diaper and
found that it was quite full.

"Here's the problem," he said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "Impossible, the diaper
package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"”

[cobra de capell]

Disorder in the American Courts ..... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm as these exchanges were actually taking place.
________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
__________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
_________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
__________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Q: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Aging with a smile:

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

[cobra de capell]

Good: You and your hubby agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds-and-bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: They've finally invented Viagra.
Bad: It requires a prescription and is expensive.
Ugly: Your wife's new boyfriend is a pharmacist.”

[cobra de capell]

A traveler's advisory issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Yankees:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's a DINER. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, shut up, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ass.

[cobra de capell]

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

[Ron61]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and
said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cy anide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[cobra de capell]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked "What "gender" is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[cobra de capell]

REVENGE GOES ONLY SO FAR

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they might get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[cobra de capell]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

*Smart man + smart woman = romance
*Smart man + dumb woman = affair
*Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
*Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

*OFFICE ARITHMETIC

*Smart boss + smart employee = profit
*Smart boss + dumb employee = production
*Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
*Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

*SHOPPING MATH

*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

*GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
*A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*HAPPINESS

*To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
*To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*MEMORY

*Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

*APPEARANCE

*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

*DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

*A woman has the last word in any argument.
*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.”

[cobra de capell]

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?

A: Because they're pigs

Q: Why do they call it Mad Cow Disease?

A: Because PMS was already taken.

Q: What's the difference between Mad Cow Disease and PMS?

A: Nothing.
____

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name."

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."”

[cobra de capell]

A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't gonna be your day."”

[Cobrabill]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do,"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
Yep," was the calm reply.
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[cobra de capell]

The Hillary Rodham Psalm

Hillary is my shepherd, I shall not want.

She makes me to bow down to big government.

She leads me beside the abortion clinic.

She restores gun control.

She leads me in the paths of socialism, for her name's sake.

Yea, though i walk through the valley of liberalism, I will fear no evil; for Hillary is with me.

Her benefits and handouts, they comfort me.

Hillary prepares a health care system before me, in the presence of my better judgement.

She fills my head with promises.

My welfare cup runneth over.

Surely, higher taxes and illegal immigration will follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Clintons' forever!
_____

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $758 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate Democrats still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.