Jokes

[Ron61]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget
about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very
brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the
pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned
to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which
tooth hurts."

[Hydramada]

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Cannon Balls - a History Lesson!

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based
pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right ...............

[cobra de capell]

Not so funny:


Funny:

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Not so funny:


Funny:

They call him Flipper....http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/sharksurfer.asp

And......http://www.whitesharktrust.org/pages...e/media26.html

[cobra de capell]

Once again - it's a joke thread, don't be stupid.

Why are so many Cobra owners or want to be owners so anal about practically everything? I just don't get it.

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by Hydramada

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

[Hydramada]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

Interesting response.

[VRM]

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL
notes written by PARENTS in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings
have been left intact.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.
~
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
~
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 AND ALSO 33.
~
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
~
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT
OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
~
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
~
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
~
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
~
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
~
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
~
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(Love it!)
~
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
~
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
~
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You
know, this could be legit!}
~
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE
DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
~
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE
THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
~
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
~
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.
~
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.
~
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
~
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

[cobra de capell]

This is no joke - just something that we all should understand.

The 7 Dwarfs of PMS

1 Weepy...Usually the first Dwarf to rear its ugly head especially if there is a "touching" moment during things like TV commercials that you ordinarily would not look at twice. This is a sure sign that the rest of the gang can't be too far behind.

2 Piggy... Piggy has quite an appetite for sweet and salty foods. Piggy can usually be found trying to calm down Weepy and make her smile. Piggy is Weepy's best friend but will go overboard in trying to help. If Piggy doesn't watch out then Bloaty is sure to visit.

3 Bloaty... Bloaty comes to town to B**** slap Piggy for chowing down one too many chips. Bloaty takes her job seriously and once she comes to the party she is one of the last to leave. Unfortunately Bloaty wakes the evilest dwarf of them all...B****y

4 B****y...This bad boy is sometimes referred to as THE Terminator. Don't mess with this character for she is prone to hissy fits. B****y takes no prisoners and usually makes no apologies. This evil-doer is likely to have Weepy watching her back and backing her up at any moment so beware. Just when you think you know what B****y is B****ing about, Weeping will come on the scene and confuse you. Then there is a possibility that you will be the one saying "I'm Sorry".

5 Horny...This one has quite the appetite of a different kind. This creature has been known to have horny hormone levels that rival many 18 year old boys. B****y tries her hardest to keep Horny hidden from view. Weepy can sometimes keep B****y at bay long enough for Horny to make her move and be satisified. Men, you need to know that she exists and loves to come out to play.

6 Crampy...Never a welcome addition. But Crampy is usually a clear sign that Red-Tide will be here soon. Crampy can really get B****y going even worse than Bloaty. One of the best ways to soothe Crampy's attacks is to let Horny do her thing. Sometimes it might be best to sleep through Crampy's visits.

7 Red-Tide... While this character can sometimes be out of control and a messy trouble maker she is always an inevitable and sometimes welcome guest. But once she makes her appearance the end is always in sight. And unfortunately once she makes it onto the scene the others make an extra effort to be noticed and primary.

[Ron61]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[Ron61]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[392cobra]

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 910--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised
!!"



A moment later...


Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Iran Air 171--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: ......
then suddenly!!!

Iran Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Iran Air 171?"

Iran Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! WE ARE ABOUT TO HIT!!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?."

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
> > toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
> > "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
> > heaven?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and
> > watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
> > comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
> >
> >
> >
> > Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
> > adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
> > started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem The
little
> > boy heard the door- bell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there
stood
> > Grand- ma's minister.
> >
> >
> >
> > The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
> >
> >
> >
> > The minister fainted.

[cobra de capell]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you 'betcha, there IS a moral!)



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[cobra de capell]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these damn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
_____

Not a joke, just the way it should be:

The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

[cobra de capell]

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A.He buys two cases of beer.

Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.The bonds mature.

Q..Why are blonde jokes so short? A.So men can remember them.

Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.

Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q.Why are married women heavier than single women? A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A.They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[cobra de capell]

From the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.

"batmobiling" putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

"betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

"blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought

"cobweb" a WWW site that never changes

"elvis year" the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year"

"generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

"going postal" totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

"high dome" egghead, scientist, PhD

"irritainment" annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial

"meatspace" the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

"percussive maintenance" the fine art of whacking a device to get it working

"prairie dogging" in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look

"salmon day" swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end

"siliwood" the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired"

"square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) computer

"treeware" manuals and documentation

"umfriend" sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend"

"world wide wait" WWW

"yuppie food coupons" twenty dollar bills from an ATM

[EarlsflyinCobra]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELYA TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truckis blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing
there with..... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...