Jokes

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day in the life of a cat and dog

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine l avishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse
and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little
hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advanta ge.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously Retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

For now.
=

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.


Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the
measles and my mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher.

'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher.

'Anyone else?'

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.'

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A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'



'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f**##*#* blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted.

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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

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Male and Females......there is a difference......

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
_______

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Employer's Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must Have an Eye For Detail"
We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.

"Apply in Person"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"
We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving Skills a Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.



Employee's Lingo:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

"I'm extremely professional"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I am adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

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Top 25 List of New Flavors to Commemorate Ben & Jerry's Endorsement of Barack Obama


25. Coffee For A Change (previously retired B&J flavor)
24. Polyanna Obama Banana
23. Free Lunch Crunch
22. Bright Clean Nice Ice
21. Socialist Sorbet
20. Chocolate Mousselim
19. Barry No Idea Garcia
18. Commie Caramel Surprise
17. Scary Barry Dream
16. Chocolate Fluff Shuffle
15. Half Baked Funky Monkey
14. Madmadamia Nut
13. Baraccoli Swirl- Tastes disgusting, but at least it's a change.
12. Chocolate Brownie Bites with Dope We Can Believe In
11. BarackBerry
10. Negropolitan
9. Che Guava Revolution
8. Magic Negro Cookie Dough
7. Death by Diversity
6. Vanilla White Guilt
5. Madrassa Mint
4. Empty Suity Fruity
3. S'mores Wars
2. Mocha Messiah
1. Baracky Road

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Revolutions: The Eagle & The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it!" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" asks the Almighty.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota," said St. Peter.

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Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
_____

Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.

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A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

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ARKANSAS CONDOMINIUMS

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TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TALIBAN

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You’ve never been asked, “Does this burka make my ass look big?”
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

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The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

“Hello, hello!” she shouted. “Can anyone hear me? Hello!”

For a long while, there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, “Hello! Is anyone down there?”

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine.

“Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!”

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, “Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive.”

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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Kady what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took ride on a choo choo. "

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Zach what he had done .

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SH*T".

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2 Minute Management Course.....

A lesson for us all. No matter, at what level you may be!!

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit on my butt like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. Suddenly,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting on your butt and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull Schitt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under t he pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and
ate him.

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who schitt on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of schitt is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep schitt, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This concludes your two-minute management course

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and! contin ues smoking.

MARY: What in the hell is that?

JUDY: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

MARY: Where did you get it?

JUDY: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, MARY hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted!

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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.
She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
______

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Pou pon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from the shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I
uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion. ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ she asked.

‘They will grow larger over a period of years,’ I reply.

She stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’

Without missing a beat I say ‘Worked for your butt, didn't it?’

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again,

Although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw.

I'm a stupid, stupid man.

[cobra de capell]

I was traveling between West Palm Beach and Boca Raton the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Republican or Democrat?” asked the old man.

“Republican,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

“Democrat,” I shouted.

“Hop in,” replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car!”

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. ‘What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied, “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody !!”