Jokes

[cobra de capell]

One Sunday morning, a mother awoke, climbed the stairs to her son's room, and knocked on the door.

"Rise and shine, Son. It's time to get ready for Mass."

There was no answer, so she knocked a little harder, and called a little louder.

"Come on, honey. It's time to get up and go to Mass."

She still heard nothing. This time she pounded the door with her fist, and shouted.

"Son, now get up. We're going to be late for Mass."

A weak voice answered, "I'm not going."

"What do you mean, 'you're not going.' You have to go to Mass."

"I'm not going, Ma. Church is boring, the music's awful, and the preaching is worse."

The mother paused a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, son, but you're the only priest in town, so you're going to Mass."

[cobra de capell]

"Big Pill"
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and guzzles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least thirty minutes."
______

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our
door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled
terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt
sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her
to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we
named her '*****cat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said
he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't
forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet
that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat,
not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet
calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other
and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his
doctor, who is located in the same building, next door
to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office were full of people
waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the
vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice
said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We
washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only
knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[cobra de capell]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
_____

5 toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:

"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
__
Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
__
Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
__
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
__
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Cobra."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

[cobra de capell]

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

"Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "A$$HOLES!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

[cobra de capell]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer technician are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the excitement, the passion, and the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it... too many problems he says.

The computer technician says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
_____

All too rarely, airline attendant make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
************************************************** ******
On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentelman, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
************************************************** ******
On landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
************************************************** ******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 ways out of this airplane."
************************************************** ******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
************************************************** ******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington International, a lone voice came over the loud speaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
************************************************** ******
After a particularly tough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
************************************************** ******
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child....pick your favorite."
************************************************** ******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
************************************************** ******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
************************************************** ******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airplane's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" (OMG...... that was just rediculously corny)
************************************************** ******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
************************************************** ******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tub, we hope that you'll think of US Airways."
************************************************** *****

[Ron61]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

[cobra de capell]

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good :Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[cobra de capell]

- It's so hot in Arizona that...
- the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
- the cows are giving evaporated milk.
- the trees are whistling for the dogs.
- you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
- you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
- you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
- you can make instant sun tea.
- you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
- the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
- you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
- you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
- The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
- you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
- you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
- you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- hot water now comes out of both taps.
- it's noon in June, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
- you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
- no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
- your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
- you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
- a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

[EarlsflyinCobra]

During a training flight takeoff, as I was tightening a loose hydraulic connection, I suddenly saw that an engine was on fire.

Wrench in hand, I turned, tapped the pilot calmly on the shoulder with it and told him, "We're on fire."

He soon had us safely back on the ground.

A short time later I was modestly explaining my great presence of mind in a trying situation to an admiring audience.

Just then two medics passed with our pilot on a stretcher.

Startled, I called out, "What's the matter with him?"

"Broken shoulder!" was the reply.

[cobra de capell]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the
beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you
would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
_____

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someones lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[cobra de capell]

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ..
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved..
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[dave from mesa]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after
their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband
may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for
bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but aha! you guessed
it.....! Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as
fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you
can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less
than a third of your age who were only good once. You are
truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
.......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have
advantages!

[BigGuy]

Subject: Gun control




Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.



At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.



Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'



Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

[BigGuy]

Even if you are not a golfer, you'll enjoy this one!

Golfing



A man goes to a golf course.....
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop
and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this:
We just received 8 brand new
robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you
out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said
to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said,
"No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this
hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good
contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and
thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he
said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir.
I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected
his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the
robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance
of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the
counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever
played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of
your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind
the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and
one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man
and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we
had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck
could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the
sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them
black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of
'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them
robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

[BigGuy]

an Oldie........


Subj: Fw: Little Johnny Strikes Again



LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....A grade school teacher in
Kentucky asked her stu dents to use the word¡fascinate'
went to my granddad's farm,and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'The teacher said, 'That was
good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not
fascinating'.Sally raised her hand. She said,'My
family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'The
teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
you to use the word 'fascinate.'Little Johnny raised
his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned
by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was
no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she
called on him.Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only
fasten eight.'The teacher sat down and cried.!!!!!!!!

.

[BigGuy]

a friend Thought we would get a laugh out of this...


A guy from Wisconsin moves to Seattle and goes to a big "everything under one roof" retail store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for??"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.”

.

[cobra de capell]

Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in
an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels
a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a blonde baby
boomer from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message
just flashed up on the screen, and mine is
out in the car."

[Ron61]

Making An Impression

The young couple was hosting their first dinner party when their four-year-old son started staring at his dad's boss.

The boss tried to ignore the boy, but finally had to ask, "What's wrong, son?
Why are you staring at me?"

The table went quiet.

"I just want to see you do it," said the little boy.

"Do what?" asked the boss.

The boy replied, "I want to see how you drink like a fish!"

[Ron61]

THE WELFARE CHECK

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his
monthly check.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare
month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort
her on her overseas holiday trips.


You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy
says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Ron

[cobra de capell]

Citing extensive United Nations research as well as personal observations, former Mets manager Willie Randolph has concluded that last year's historic late-season collapse of the New York Mets was caused by anthopogenic global warming.

"This is a settled issued," declared Randolph.

"The Intergovermental Panel on Climate Change has investigated every possible explanation for our cataclysmic stretch run choke. The only logical conclusion is that global warming caused severe imbalances in the microclimates in and around Shea Stadium."

Pressed for details Mr. Randolph explained that temperature readings in left field were .0002 of a degree (Celsius) higher than readings in right field.