Jokes

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Funny and true....

On Wednesday, only two days after he lifted President Bush’s executive order banning federal funding of stem cell research that requires the destruction of human embryos, President Barack Obama signed a law that explicilty bans federal funding of any "research in which a human embryo or embryos are destroyed, discarded, or knowingly subjected to risk of injury or death."

The provision was buried in the 465-page omnibus appropriations bill that Obama signed Wednesday. Known as the ****ey-Wicker amendment, it has been included in the annual appropriations bill for the Department of Health and Human Services every fiscal year since 1996.

The amendment says, in part: "None of the funds made available in this Act may be used for—(1) the creation of a human embryo or embryos for research purposes; or (2) research in which a human embryo or embryos are destroyed, discarded, or knowingly subjected to risk of injury or death."
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Doesn't anyone read bills?
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Party Chatter

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."

"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry.

"What's your Name?" she asked.

He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf".
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The two blonds had trecked deep and far into the forest looking for the "perfect" Christmas tree. After several more hours one turned to the other and said "I don't care if it's decorated or not, I'm cutting down the next tree I see."
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No problem
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
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An old man goes into the local newspaper office and asks if he can place an obituary notice in the Births, Deaths and Marriages column for his deceased wife.

The receptionist says it's no problem, and it will cost him £1 per word. She gives him the form to complete, and he spends a moment or two filling it in. He hands it over to her, along with three pounds, and when she reads it,
it says simply, 'Doris is dead.'

'Oh, that's awful' she says 'but why only the three words?' 'That's all I can afford' he replies.

She looks quite upset, and says 'Just let me have a word with the Editor, and see what I can do'.

After a moment or two she comes back and tells him the Editor says he can have another three words free of charge. So he takes the form back and scribbles down some more, before passing it back to her.

She picks the form up and reads it:

'Doris is dead. Volvo for sale.'
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[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith cheats!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.

"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she ain't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
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SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health
one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."
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Old-Timers Quiz"




Not that any of you are old, I've always said "Just because I know about World War II doesn't mean I lived through it, I can read you know!"


This is a test for all of you, old and young kids! The answers are printed below,
but why cheat?

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
_______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians
did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50s and 60s was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____________.
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Learning English???

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The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late."
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[cobra de capell]

Real Parents. Real Notes


This would be a whole lot funnier if there was not some truth in
it............
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. Spellings
have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcus e Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre
dyrea direathe the $**t'$.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse ma ry for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
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A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is.

Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
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Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pee'd,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to pee on our hands!"
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An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
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[cobra de capell]

Not a joke......Parody of American Pie (McLean)

Kiss Your Freedom Goodbye

Was not so long ago...
I can still remember
How America would strut her style.
I’d never need a cash advance
The mortgage I could refinance
McMansion with imported marble tile.

We all believed we’d live forever
Successful in each grand endeavor.
A power-playing sales rep;
I never made one misstep.

I loved to travel far and wide
With my family and gorgeous bride,
But now I weep with swallowed pride
Our fortune swept aside.

So my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye.
Spend a trillion, bill the children,
In the blink of an eye.
And a power grab to bleed the treasury dry
Singin’, “vote because catastrophe’s nigh.”
"vote because catastrophe’s nigh."

Did you place your faith and trust,
In this wasteful, bloated omnibus,
If Messiah tells you so?
Ah, do you believe in change and hope,
While sliding down that slippery slope,
And cede your liberty for quid pro quo?

Well, we’re paintin’ lipstick on a pig
Future generations pay the vig.
The liberals enriched.
Man, this is classic bait & switch, oooh.

But now the budget busters run amok
The entitled Hopies from the teat will suck,
The nanny state trend’s hard to buck
So hey, don’t even try.

I started singin’,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Don’t be rankled, grab your ankles,
Get a tube of K-Y.
A Quarter Pounder’s all your money’ll buy
Singin’ “would you like a shake with those fries?
"would you like a shake with those fries?"

Now for two years on the campaign trail
Relentless quest for the Holy Grail,
And now it’s time to live the dream.
So Obama’s King and Michelle is Queen,
With a plan conceived by Howard Dean
And they say that bull**** flows downstream,

Oh, and while Messiah donned his crown,
Commenced to tear free markets down.
Investors showed concern;
So meager their returns.
And while Bama channeled Karl Marx,
We hid our cash in shadows dark,
From bureaucrats and Geithner’s sharks
Until the storm subsides.

We were singing,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Better hunker in your bunker,
Saul Alinsky’s alive.
Stock up on rice and keep an ample supply
And singin’ “this will be our rallying cry”.
"this’ll be our rallying cry."

Healthcare, train fare, come and get your welfare.
Those greedy fat-cats gonna pay their fair share,
Trillions spent and expanding fast.
Goodies spread to the middle class.
The piggies feed from the trough en masse,
As our masters dine on pheasant under glass.

Now the congress met in smoke-filled rooms
“Oh, we must avert impending doom!”
Rapt in hypnotic trance,
Oh, let us stem this avalanche!
Now the stimulus was soon revealed;
Our liberties at once repealed.
Do not resist, your fate is sealed
Don’t bother asking why

We started singing,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Cede your labor to the Savior:
Mister Pie in the Sky.
Them Democrats expand the money supply
And singin’ “we’re just all along for the ride
"we’re just all along for the ride."

Oh, and Jeffrey Holder talks of race,
We’re shameless cowards in disgrace
Too bigoted to comprehend.
So come on: all you hate-filled Anglo hicks!
Confess your sins and take your licks
Cause payback is a ***** my redneck friend.

Oh, and as He dissembled on the stage
Our Brave New World has come of age.
Do as The One compels
Or face that prison cell.
And with the GITMO thugs conferred with rights
To soothe their freedom fighter’s plight,
I saw leering smiles from Reverend Wright
Today bald eagles cried

They were crying,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Stop your whining and opining,
Simply learn to comply.
Pelosi’s goons will drain your bank account dry
And singin’, "suck it up and take it in stride.
"suck it up and take it in stride."

I saw the POTUS sans a clue
So Orwellian his clever ruse:
“We must act now without delay!”
I went down to the corner bar
Where I’d often savored fine cigars,
But smoking’s banned, so I was turned away.

And no more salt, no butter, cream,
No trans-fats, nothing fried – just steamed.
We all know meat is murder;
Enjoy your tofu burger.
I tried to tune my AM dial
Where I’d listen in to Rush awhile,
But the “Fairness” Doctrine’s now in style
Dissent’s been placed on trial.

And they were singing,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Great Depression now in session,
Lefty pundits decry.
Well, it’s romper room with all the libs running wild
Singin’ “better throw more slop in the sty.
"better throw more slop in the sty."

They were singing,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Lost my Hummer, what a bummer,
Now the bus is my ride.
Well, the party’s over, yes The State will decide
Singin’ “yes indeed The State will decide."

[cobra de capell]

“The Brothel”

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
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[cobra de capell]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00..'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'how come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . . 'their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter - $50.
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A guy walks into his local bar and the bartender say’s “you look pleased with yourself Clint, have you had a good day?”

Clint say’s “Good day, listen to what happened to me, when I left here last night I was crossing over by the railroad track and I saw a real hot babe, we went back to my place and I got her into bed and I had the best sex of my life, all night we did it every which way, and then some.

“Wow” say’s the bartender “was she pretty?”

I don’t know” say’s Clint, “I didn’t find her head”
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A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Well f*** me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!"
_____

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t.
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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
_____

The old Native American wanted a loan for $500.. The banker pulled out the
loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you
want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk,

"What you got for collateral?"
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[cobra de capell]

Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
_____

Cheatin' cretin

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.

The woman says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid," said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"

The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."

A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"
_____

A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
_____

VIRUS TYPES
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy .

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this
Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
_____

ConfessionC2

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
_____

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
_____

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
_____

Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Centerville Elementary in Centerville, Texas. In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics. I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS: 1. ________ 2. ________ 3..________ 4. ________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DOVE SEASON 2. DEER SEASON 3. DUCK SEASON 4. SQUIRREL SEASON

GOD BLESS TEXAS !!!
_____

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.

[cobra de capell]

I wanted a simple part time job after retiring. Though I've always been a "people person," I admit that as I aged a bit, I have become a little less sensitive. After getting hired as a Wal-Mart greeter, I got fired on the first day.

About two hours into the job, a loud, fat, mean-spirited woman walked in with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart." Since she was so upset, I decided to get her in a good mood like a true "people person" would. I smiled broadly and said, "Nice children you have there. They look so much alike! Are they twins?"

"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. What makes you think they're twins? You blind or stupid or sumthin'?"

Like I said, I'd barely started this job. What would the next person be like? And the ones after that? And then there was tomorrow and next week....or was there? I decided right then that there would be no next week, no tomorrow--not even a next hour.

"I apologize for being just another blind and stupid man. I can tell by looking at your kids that blind and stupid men have already been in your life too much."

"Really, Mr. Smart Guy?? And just how can you tell that?"

"You got laid twice, didn't you?"
_____

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue..

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

[cobra de capell]

therefore, it looks like my brand of humor had better to posted to my own thread, it's getting unpopular around here....

Anyway.......

And what's silliest of all, is the Obama Administrations NEW TERMINOLOGY:

Domestic Terrorist = Man-Caused Disaster

War On Terrorism = Overseas Contingency Operation

Enemy Combatants = Undocumented Freedom Fighters
_____

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him quickly to the emergency room.

After a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, tired and wearing his scrubs along with a long face. Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, “We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before!”
_____

_____

_____

Just in:
Lexington, KY - The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.

Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Fred Douglass]

..absolutely hysterical....but.....will there be a midnight knock on yer door?

Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

[cobra de capell]

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of the Steeler SuperBowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Lions are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well." Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Roger Goodell and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing in free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."

"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL that will not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to geta break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league."

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again.The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival, the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans. Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has met with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their losing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for "Hope and Change."

[cobra de capell]

Possibly a joke, but.......


Do you suffer from a bad case of Obamunism? Take our simple test to find out.


You might be an Obamunist if:

You have tingles running up your legs when President Obama reads from a TelePrompTer.
You believed excessive government spending on President Bush’s watch was going to bankrupt the country (What about the deficit? Think of The Children!), but President Obama’s spending us into oblivion is actually going to save us.
You thought President Bush’s cabinet members were evil, (Rice, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, etc.) but Obama’s rogue’s gallery of tax cheats and Bush holdovers is no big deal.
You believe President Bush’s “war on terror” was the invention of a crazed warmonger, but President Obama can continue the same activities as long as he doesn’t call it a “war on terror.”

The continued daily existence of Guantanamo Bay was a horror for you under Bush, but President Obama leaving it open is a snoozer.
You believe the bloated wastefulness of companies like AIG should be punished by putting them under the control of the bloated wastefulness of the buffoons in Congress.
You dislike dealing with large, inefficient, uncaring government bureaucracies like the DMV or the IRS, but hope Obama will give you “free” healthcare provided by a large, inefficient, uncaring government bureaucracy.
You consider yourself post-racial but have yet to come down off of your “I still can’t believe we elected the (half) black guy! Let’s celebrate by giving him whatever he wants without question!” euphoria.
You feel that speaking truth or asking questions is “hate” if it makes President Obama look bad.
You think Keith Olbermann is a professional journalist.
If you find yourself exhibiting some of these symptoms, you may be an Obamunist. Do not be alarmed, but Obamunism is a dangerous phenomenon not to be taken lightly. Symptoms are generally expensive, with taxes and costs rising in the infestation phase. During gestation an inflammation of the rhetoric may be accompanied by acute fear of capitalism. When full manifestation occurs, Obamunist agents will become agitated and highly mobile. Any irritant will be sought out and neutralized immediately. Tingling in the extremities can be expected to continue unabated even after government control is fully established.

Sadly, treatment for Obamunism is limited. The illness will generally have to run its course, with the typical length of action being four years, though there are examples lasting much longer. Administration of regular doses of truth may in some cases be useful in mitigating symptoms, but the patient may actively resist such measures. Things may simply have to get much worse before they get better.

[cobra de capell]

Obamunism, a few more......

1) Your ONLY reason for voting for Obama was a shrill and irrational hatred toward GW Bush

2) You fell hook,line and sinker for the Hope and Change Propaganda

3) An inexperienced US senator is fully able to handle the duties of the Presidency while an inexperienced Gov is not AT ALL able to handle the duties of a Vice President.

4) SNL and Tina Fey are reliable and honest news sources

5) Economic Outcomes should be equal regardless of talent, work ethic or risk.

6) Your vote was solely based on the color of the candidate

7) You believe the government should be out of our bodies and bedrooms but should be heavily involved in others wallets.

8) There are 57 states and in 1929 FDR got on the TV to calm the nation after the Wall Street Crash

9) Diversity and Multiculturalism are better than a melting pot

10) Speech is free until you disagree with the message and then it becomes hate speech.

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt . Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the Army."


Moral for women:


Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
_____

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. The kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply She answered,

"Well, today I didn't do it."
_____

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
_____

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a*s is for."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Hey, there are no handles inside these car doors!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson.

Let it down slowly.

Hand me a fork, the toaster is jammed again.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Watch this.

This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

That birthmark on you head looks just like a 666.

What duck?
_____

12 inches was too long so I had it shortened to 6

I was embarrassed by the excessive length sticking out. At the beach, women would stare and snicker as it dangled from side to side as I walked. Men would avert their gaze to avoid eye contact. In public restrooms I even worried that it might touch the floor by accident.

Finally I tied it in a knot and cut the excess off.

I don't know why sneaker manufacturers insist on using shoelaces that extend so far beyond the top eyelet.
_____

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
_____

Pay back is hell!

Well folks it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and to take revenge on the brunettes. Here's their revenge:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache
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