Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A woman is going to Italy to attend a company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!” The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl.

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More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

What a cool idea.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYaZ57Bn4pQ

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Men's perspective About Wives:


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
_____

Jokes you'll never hear at a White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

"Sorry I'm late … Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op."

"Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly."

"In an effort to ensure that any terror suspects killed under orders of the administration is completely legal in the eyes of the president, 'killed terrorists' will now be referred to as 'really late-term abortions.'"

"The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can't even install The Club on his own jet?"

"This isn't the first time Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of a New York City buzz – the first being the time he smoked a joint with William Ayers at '21.'"

"And I don't know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if a war breaks out while Obama's teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe."

"If you're wondering why the president is in a good mood, it's because he's glad to be finished with his annual physical. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps."

"Last evening I took a walk through the cemetery – or as ACORN calls it, a 'recruiting trip.'"

"Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and this morning I read that Lee Iacocca is taking over control of the Black Panthers."

"President Obama said he's going to take care of all Americans just like he takes care of his own family. It's comforting to know that the worst that can happen to us now is ending up homeless in Kenya."

"Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The first lady just taped an episode of 'Sesame Street' but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring the Count holding photos of Barack's cabinet members and saying, 'Two … two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three … three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah …'"

"In closing, I'd like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I'd like to, but George Soros isn't here tonight. They don't let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings."
_____

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

[Ron61]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[cobra de capell]

Dave's night out
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
_______

[Ron61]

A rancher's widow needed help to run the ranch, so she advertised
in the local paper for a hired hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however,
and he didn't return.
Two o'clock came and still no hired hand. Finally he returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take
it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked,
ever so slowly..

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt'. He slowly unbuttoned
it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra'. Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired'.

[cobra de capell]

TOO OLD

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his thingy. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'

The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'

The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

'Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
_____

For the female group - 15 thoughts for the day....

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12 . Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bulls*it!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
_____

[Ron61]

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France,
holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much
business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the
small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the
third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to
his meat supplier to whom he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he
purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the
hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception
and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has
any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis?

[cobra de capell]

No joke....

You don't have a big pickup to tow your 6,000 lb. gooseneck trailer. A little careful, well thought out engineering can solve your problem.....

[cobra de capell]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As
they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful
woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they
ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !" said a smiling Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in
the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask
him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest
liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who is this Nancy Pelosi, anyway?" asked Pinocchio.
_____

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2.. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'...

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

[cobra de capell]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoolie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm
homesick.
_____

SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.
_____

Three Knots:

Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his
age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I
doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old sailor,
you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're
knot getting your money back!'
_____

The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

And the little piggy said ...

"F*** off or I'll sneeze on you."

[cobra de capell]

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Ohio Record Roller Coaster -
420 Ft High, 120 MPH Down...
With a record-breaking height of 420-feet and record-breaking speed of 120 mph, Top Thrill Dragster delivers on its promise of thrilling riders this summer at Cedar Point, Ohio.

Last picture says it all...

http://www.rense.com/general69/cedar.htm

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Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.
I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him; he'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome ..

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"


He said:
"Who f'd up your hair?"

[cobra de capell]

Millions of years ago...

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.
_____

I guy, with a well-earned reputation for being a ladies man, goes into the bar where he frequently meets his conquests. He looks down and out. The bartender notices and asks what the matter is?

He replies: “I got a letter from an irate husband saying if he ever sees me with his wife again he’ll kill me.”

“What’s the big deal, asks the bartender, can’t you just not see her again?”

“Nope, says the man. He didn’t sign the letter.”
_____

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
_____

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[cobra de capell]

Great Golf quotes.....

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit
it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead


A hungry dog hunts best.
~ Lee Trevino


You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen..
~ Lee Trevino


I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a
swimming pool.
~ George Brett


Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a
tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that..
~ Jim Murray


The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has
to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle


Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good
at them.
~ Kevin Costner


I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the
American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge
and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis


Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino


My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The
rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson


Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep
the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny


There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different
games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan


Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time,
you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus


The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a
law.
~ H G Wells


I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers
everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham


If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If
you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henry Youngman


If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon


You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of
them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino


I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd
come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

[cobra de capell]

GM's New 2010 Obama Model
The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama . . .



This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels . . . rear end steering of course . . .that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy Democrat owners. Definitely a partisan car.

[cobra de capell]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
_____

Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their seventieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it
home.

There, she counted the money -- seventy-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
_____

Don't know if this is just a coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? ...

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
_____

Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[cobra de capell]

10 Latest financial news items
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money

5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America’s third biggest lender.

7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!

[cobra de capell]

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladiesis hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, whenfinally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; she goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f@@@ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem.You should have taken golf lessons instead."
_____

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty, decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
_____

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
_____

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted
to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass
while he is on fire.
_____

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
_____



Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr Common Sense.

Mr Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only to worsened his condition.

Mr Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter Responsibility and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.