Jokes

[Ron61]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He

uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

[Ron61]

THE BAGPIPER’s TALE: a Personal Testimony*

As a bagpiper, I’m often called upon to play at weddings, military
events, and funerals. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no
family or friends, so the service was set at the county pauper’s
cemetery in the Kentucky back woods.

I was not familiar with the backwoods and soon found myself lost.
Being a typical man I didn’t stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late – the staff from the funeral home was long gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in
place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play….

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept. I wept. We all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I
never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years.”

[Ron61]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the
last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
inFrance are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy
some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has
one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will
come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will
be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position
called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie
this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation
has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Ron61]

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Ron61]

The Bear:

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for
some sightseeing.. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile whenthere was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals,shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with "Go
Sarah T-Shirts" came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using
long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it
onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has
access to all wisdom.' 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Ron,
Good one, but I think after the last election you need to change Massachusetts to California!

[Ron61]

Mike,

Boy do I wish we could get rid of Pelosi and the California Mafia.

Ron

[Ron61]

New Vulgar Word

Years ago when someone used unsavory language, they often used the expression "Bull S***."
As they grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became "BS."

Q. What did it really mean when someone used those expressions?

A. It meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half truth or just plain stupid.

It covered any number of negative formats.
The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially: foolish, insolent talk...

I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future.

When I have a need to express such feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi."
Let me use it in a sentence. "That's just a bunch of Pelosi."

I encourage you to do the same. It is such a nasty word. It really packs a lot of punch.

We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly expresses our feelings.
If enough of us use it, perhaps the word could be entered into the dictionary.

When on a ranch watch your step and don't step in that Pelosi.
It will get on the bottom of your boot, stink, and won't go away until next election.

What a descriptive legacy for the current Speaker of the House!

[392cobra]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[dave from mesa]

A Cajun who died went to Bleep.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?"

The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City to me!"

The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged.

"How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."

The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !"

So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of Bleep where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas.

Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"

The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

[Ron61]

Good one Dave.

Ron

[dave from mesa]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

[Ron61]

Subject: Quidado with the Mexican maid!!


Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. I found out later the conversation went like this:

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase??"


Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."


Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"


Maria: "Your husband said so."


Wife: "Oh."


Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."


Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"


Maria: "Your husband did."


Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."


Wife: (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"


Maria: "No Señora...the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[FWB]

[Ron61]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....



Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

[Ron61]

An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Ron61]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.
Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits.....
She appears out of nowhere.'

[i wana go fast]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rn041uWncU

[392cobra]

Subject: Downhill Gold Medal taken away from American Lindsey Vonn

...in case you didn't hear the late-breaking news, the Gold Medal in the Downhill was taken away from American Lindsey Vonn. It was determined that President Obama has gone downhill faster than she did.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s#!+ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'