Jokes

[bliss]

Hey guys, so you’re camping out at your local “occupy” protest and through the smoky haze you spot the girl of your dreams. She’s absolute perfection with her purple mohawk, nose rings and unshaven legs. But you need a good pick up line! Here’s a few proven winners: 1) “What time do you get off not working?” 2) “Your parents’ basement or mine?” 3) “We have so much in common, I don’t know why I’m here either” 4) “You remind me of a female Janeane Garafalo” and my favorite 5) “Just got my Pell Grant & food stamps. LET’S PARTY!” Happy hunting!
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[bliss]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

[FWB]

and actually.........




that kept me from comprehending the jokes

[letsboogie351]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."



A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

[bliss]

Can I get an Amen?

It's a miracle, I tell you; a miracle!

http://dotcomjoe.com/1019f1

Bankers line up to re-occupy Wall Street.

http://dotcomjoe.com/1019f2

[bliss]

North Cliffs Failure

North Cliffs Failure - Amazing Cliff Collapse caught on Camera! - YouTube

Not funny... but how often are you going to see this in a random stroll along the beach?

MORAL OF THE STORY:
When the sign on the path says STAY BACK... nevermind, go ahead & play on the edge, nobody actually gets whacked!!! ;~)

On the other hand, here's an investment opportunity....

http://dotcomjoe.com/opportunity

[letsboogie351]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*

[bliss]

Now That's Nifty: 40 Reasons Why Women Live Longer

Trust me, you will like this one.....

When you are #1, you are #1

[bliss]

I Love Air Conditioning - YouTube

[letsboogie351]

A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”

Another tourist, a woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag


After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”



A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".



Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when
suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet
after a brief conversation.
"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
"On, that was Mick." She replied calmly.
"Oh ****, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."

[bliss]

Note: This is the picture that will stay with the new Miss Kentucky for the rest of her life!

Make-up and hair style ................... $500
New outfit for the show ....................$1200
Giant stuffed bear ............................$300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....

Priceless!!!

Mrss Kentucky Holding a Teddy Bear... - Net Tractor Talk
____

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, April 30, 2012
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

[bliss]

Truth In Advertising......

If cigarette packs are required to have pictures of diseased lungs, college brochures should be required to have pictures of graduates working at Starbucks.
_____

What is she saying?

http://dotcomjoe.com/1026f1
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Four guys are driving across country together: one from
Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New
York.

A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are
you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these things in
Idaho they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of
looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins
pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the
window.

The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing that for?"

The Nebraskan replies, "We have so many of these things in
Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car
door and pushes the New Yorker out.

[bliss]

Top Ten Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex.

10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning & groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
_____

Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves
10. Guys who forgot to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their sandwich

9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks

8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a TWO Musketeers

7. When Obama rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy tax"

6. You stop at Michelle Bachman's house, next thing you know you're adopted

5. When Joe Biden answers the door without his shirt on

4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find the real killers! (O.J. only)

3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick

2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away

1. People who want receipts

[bliss]

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

[letsboogie351]

Two older friends were having lunch together,
and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you,
I'm getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing.

I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[letsboogie351]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.

[bliss]

Seniors Should Not Go Out Halloween!!!!!!



You Know You're Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.


8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.


No matter what, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN Anyway !!

[letsboogie351]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[bliss]

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
_____

I think you'll dig this chick & the car too!

Two classics, One Car

Embed Player

[bliss]

Not a joke.....

Pendulum Waves

You may recall from a Mechanics course that the period of a pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the pendulum, the slower it swings.

Cambridge students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row, each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them in motion and filmed the result.

The resulting patterns in this short video are quite fascinating to watch.

Home § Harvard Natural Sciences Lecture Demonstrations...
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There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead. Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago...