Jokes

[Ron61]

THE BAGPIPER’s TALE: a Personal Testimony*

As a bagpiper, I’m often called upon to play at weddings, military
events, and funerals. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no
family or friends, so the service was set at the county pauper’s
cemetery in the Kentucky back woods.

I was not familiar with the backwoods and soon found myself lost.
Being a typical man I didn’t stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late – the staff from the funeral home was long gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in
place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play….

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept. I wept. We all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I
never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years.”

[Ron61]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the
last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
inFrance are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy
some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has
one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will
come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will
be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position
called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie
this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation
has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Ron61]

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Ron61]

The Bear:

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for
some sightseeing.. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile whenthere was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals,shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with "Go
Sarah T-Shirts" came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using
long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it
onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has
access to all wisdom.' 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"