Jokes

[bliss]

Some quotes......

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Some genuine Henny Youngman jokes (at least I'm pretty sure they're genuine).

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLES

Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[bliss]

Turbo Entabulator

"Turbo Encabulator" the Original - YouTube
____

Sincerely ...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them,
they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States
(dated)


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

[bliss]

Don't forget to tie down your ride.....

Unmanned parked aircraft takes off in high winds. [VIDEO]
_____

Ancient Chinese Proverb...

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are
climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of
smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
monkey butts.

[bliss]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning
in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in
sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with
two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said,
"Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway,
this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and
"Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches"
door and found himself in another empty hall, with
two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over
4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door
marked "Once a night" and found himself back out
on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll
never get screwed."

[bliss]