Jokes

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Anti-lock brake system.....

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At a wedding party recently the D.J. announced,"Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was crushed to death.
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Do Not Tailgate

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Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Steve corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
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I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.

"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."

I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.

He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
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Because all the best humor comes from Jewish stand-up comics,
it's easy to forget that there are Muslim comics as well.
Here's a sample of Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef's work:

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the
bathroom the entire time.
There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied."

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinian"
It bombed!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank ?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police:
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to
blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was, "I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."

Palestinian girl says to her mommy:
"After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"

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Starts out a little slow but then really heats up - (no, not that kind of pole dancing)....


BEST Pole Dance Ever by Jenyne Butterfly 2011 - YouTube
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Dear Abby:

The other night on my way home I stopped
in at the neighborhood tavern for a drink.
When I left someone shouted after me,
"You filthy $lut!"
What should I do?

Desperate


Dear Desperate:

Stop hanging out where they know you.
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Have you ever told a 'white' lie?


For all ladies who bake for church events............

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food
cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So,
she looked around the house for something to build up the center
of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper! She plunked it in
and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she
rushed it to the church.

Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be
at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had
already been sold. Alice was beside herself.

A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home
where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the
game, a fancy lunch was served......and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen
to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other
ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent
church member) say ......... "Thank you. I baked it myself!"