Jokes

[bliss]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When......

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2.. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
_____

Men Can Fix Anything

[bliss]

Two friends, a blonde, and a redhead are walking down the street.

They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase.."

[bliss]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my
penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well,
she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my rear. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always
pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew, four thousand terrorists friended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we
could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to,
but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.