Jokes

[letsboogie351]

Up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing
machine then stops, thinking for a minute.
He shouts to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yells back, "Manchester United.




My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and
women with big tits."




Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of
200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of
heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian
prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."

[bliss]

I went to see a fortune teller today.

When I walked out of the room my wife asked how it went.

"Fantastic!" I replied, "Couldn't have had better news."

"Ooh," she giggled. "I might get my future told."

"I wouldn't if I were you," I replied.
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Don't think Beethoven quite had this in mind when composing !!
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Watch This Special Footage Of A Man Who Hates His Job Even More Than You Do | Happy Place

[bliss]

Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:


FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 ClubCobra member is reading joke posts.



You hang in there, Sunshine ........

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SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted ......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
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So dad, how do you like the iPad we got you? [VIDEO]

[Art Burtt]

I'm a little overwelmed today,I saw a sign that said only I can stop forest fires! Why me?

[bliss]

Only the French could get away with this!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/25BHem...be.com/watch%2...

Rated R
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Hard to argue this logic

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.


A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it would be nice to have another kid."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

[FWB]

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight