Jokes

[bliss]

How To Talk Southern......

Ah
The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
Ast
To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad."
Attair
Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"
Awl
An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl
What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Bleeve
Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."
Cent
Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
Co-cola
The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
Cyst
To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
Dayum
A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
Everwhichways
To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.
Far
A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares
The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Good ole boy
Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. "Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts
What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."
Hale
Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."
Hep
To aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
Idinit
Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Jew
Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"
Kumpny
Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
Law
Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
Likker
Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash
To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige
Thank you. "Muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun
Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
Ovair
In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."
Phraisin
Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plum
Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch
To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."
Saar
The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay
A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
Sinner
Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
Sugar
A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred
Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns
A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."
Uhmurkin
Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
War
Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Whup
To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."
Yankee shot
A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
Zat
Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

[bliss]

"Jesus loves you" is always a good thing to hear....unless you are in a Mexican jail.
_____




A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

[bliss]

[bliss]

One Saturday night, I met this fantastic looking blonde babe in a glitzy single's bar. Quite naturally, one thing lead to another over the course of the evening.

It was getting close to last call, so I finally worked up the nerve and said to her, "Let's go back to my place."

The gorgeous blonde asked, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I answered, "No. But I have some old ropes that should do just fine."
_____

[69boss429]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly






A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."