Jokes

[bliss]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
_____

Standing at the newspaper dispenser the colonel realized all he had were bills in his pocket.
"Excuse me soldier," he said to a passing private, "do you have change for a dollar?"
"Sure buddy," the private said.
"I'm an officer," the colonel said, so let's try this again, this time with proper respect. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"No sir."

[bliss]

WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS < Churific > 06/01 06:26:22

Element : Woman
Symbol : No
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:

1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:

1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it’s too hot.

Tests:

1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
_____

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains in the world.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded "It is all really
quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.