Jokes

[bliss]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
____

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we
get home later, I'm going to make you f***ing pay for this!"



For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.



Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.
_____

An elderly couple goes to a marriage councilor to work out their problems. During the session, the wife says to the husband, "Look at that fat belly. If it was on a young woman, she'd be pregnant!" To which the husband coyly replies, "It was and she is!"

[bliss]

WORRYING REALLY WORKS

Worrying really works. 95% of the things I worry about never happen.
_____

An elderly woman in her 80's is speeding down the highway a state trooper behind her with his lights flashing she pulls over to the side of the road,

The trooper comes up the drivers side window and asks her for her drivers license and insurance card,

she hands the cards over to the trooper and he notices a concealed gun license with the cards, he steps back a little and asks the elderly woman if she has any weapons in the car,

she tells the trooper that she has a 38 in her purse, he asks if that was all?

she replies that she also has a 45 in the console,

and once again he ask her if that was all?

and she replies once again that she has a glock in the glove compartment.

the trooper then ask her what she's afraid of?

and she replies not a f...ing thing.

[bliss]

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day.
He gets up the next day & it's raining.
It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

He goes out to lunch and sees a young boy and, out of despair, asks,"Hey son,does it ever stop raining around here?"

The boy says, "How should I know? I'm only 8."
_____

I told her she had three beautiful daughters.
She didn't have to get all pissified and
threaten me with a bomb.
It was an honest mistake!!!

[bliss]

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."